Hello, class. For our unit on Earth, I will be presenting on Earth marriage, when a human decides to officially pair up with another human. It is a very big deal because it means humans pay lower taxes and can procreate in a socially acceptable way. When two humans decide to pair, one will put a cut-up rock mounted on a band of metal around the other’s finger to signify that they belong to each other. Humans wear many bands of metal on their fingers throughout their life but they save their fourth finger on the left hand for this special moment.

This is how the rest of Earth will be able to distinguish the paired from the unpaired.

The pair will invite anyone they have ever slightly cared about (people will get offended if not invited) to watch them legally become a pair. If a female is getting married, these guests will watch her walk down a narrow path as small children throw dead flowers behind her. A man, most likely the one who helped create the female, will walk with her and pass her off to her pair because Earth women always belong to men and not to themselves.

At the end of this aisle, not only will her pair be waiting for her, but also a religious or government-like person who will make them chant things to each other. They will swear to stay with each other, even though they only met one sun rotation ago, for better or worse until DEATH. Nine out of ten pairs will break this promise, but each pair thinks they are the exception. The audience will be asked if they object to the two pairing up, but of course no one will say anything, unless they are a character in a dramatic movie. Once the two humans are pronounced a pair, they will press their mouth folds against each other, and everyone will cheer because of this.

To celebrate, humans will then eat and drink a lot things though these same mouth folds. The pair will spend much of their financial savings to feed all their second cousins tiny bites of food that they have to chase down from people in uniforms who spend the whole night walking away from them. There will also be lots of poison served, but this poison is fancy and will only give humans a painful headache instead of an excruciating one the next morning.

A female human getting married will choose her favorite female friends and force them to all wear the same dress for the big day—this will allow everyone to know who she likes best. After drinking lots of poison, these chosen women will stand up and tell stories about their newly paired friend that she never wanted her second cousins to know about. Everyone will then hop around and move their limbs to the beat of amplified sound waves. The female humans will dance until their feet hurt from being propped in foot contraptions that make them feel like they are constantly standing on a steep hill.

The newly paired female will take a bundle of plants and throw them at her guests. Whoever catches it will be the next human to officially pair up, which means everyone gets to participate in this kind of magical day again – and again, and again, until all the humans pair and start to birth humans that will eventually pair off too.

Any questions?

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