Remember that time when your screen went black and the Apple logo started bouncing around like on those old TVs, and you watched for three hours until it finally bounced into the corner? Yeah, that was how I got in, and now, I know everything about you. So, as the hacker who broke into your phone, I’m staging an intervention.

Okay, first–

Stop shaking your phone, it won’t work. Think back to the last three times you’ve seen the undo tab pop up, was it saving you from an accidental reply-all? Or did it just undo your grocery list that you spent half an hour making?


And… now you’re stabbing your phone with a screwdriver when we’re 20 years past removable batteries.

Calm down, let’s get to know each other first. I’ll introduce myself, and break the ice by playing two truths one lie.

My name is Q. No, that’s not my real name, and no, the two truth one lie part hasn't started– Wait, you don’t get the Bond reference? Ugh, what do you do all day… Don’t answer, that’s why I’m here.

Here are three things about me: I love volunteering, I’m obsessed with Taylor Swift, and I just got this online therapy license. It’s like those wedding officiant licenses you can get online, but for therapy, you know, for you, because I want to do this right.

Oh wait, I forgot to tell a lie. Moving on.

So… first up, I was going through your photos, which– Stop screaming, you know you have nothing incriminating. But I had to find that out after scrolling through about a million memes and TikToks. You know when you ignore a group chat for a while and get a million messages that you then have to catch up on because your social life depends on it? Yeah, your photos were like that, except, everything is outdated and stale, like your personality and your artisan bread that mysteriously disappeared. (It’s under your car, by the way. You know that pebble you wedge the back tire with? Look closer.) Anyway, it might be better to keep photos of friends and family, especially now? Oh you start spontaneously weeping at the sight or mention of social interactions? Fair enough.

Second thing, we have to talk about screen time– No, your mother didn’t hire me, you’re not twelve anymore. I’ll make this short, the Minesweeper addiction needs to go, (that game is literally filled with red flags), and your eyes need breaks throughout the day, so try audiobooks maybe? Hey, stop shaking your head, you have tons of audiobooks actually, I’ll elaborate later.

Also, you have to stop watching the same SNL sketches over and over again. I have only been watching your phone for three days, but I’ve already seen the same sketch 75 times. You have to explore new horizons, like, stand-up specials (You didn't know but you have Netflix too, again, I’ll elaborate later), or… if you want to stick with SNL, try new sketches, like Cats!

Wait, that's not a feature-film length SNL sketch? Yeah right. Anyway, if you just step outside your comfort zone, you’ll find that… this place has everything.

Last thing, I was looking at your schedule: you work from 9 to 5, and go to sleep at 11, which is pretty impressive during quarantine, but I don’t know if you did it to feel yourself better, or if you thought it was funny while drunk and forgot about it afterward… but your clock is set for Perth… Australia, not Ontario. What I’m getting at is, you might want to add 12 hours to the clock to get your local time. (Of course, you would know that if you opened the curtains once in a while.)

Okay, that’s everything for now. Good talk. Look, I know we’ve had our differences, me flooding your YouTube algorithm with The British Bake-Off highlights and all, but think about what I said. I’ll check in with you again next week, just don’t freak out the next time your phone starts playing a Taylor Swift song by itself.

P.S. I made a list of everything you subscribed to at the start of quarantine and forgot to cancel after the free trial, including two audiobook libraries, three VPNs, five streaming services, and a bunch of things that I think went bankrupt. The bad news is, they charged you for 11 months. The good news is, most of them offer 10% off for your second year of subscription, which starts tomorrow.