To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what’s happening right now, but I gotta say, I am ON BOARD. When the man who feeds me from the table came over I was already excited, but I had no idea what was in store. And I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from the two of you and am very excited to join in!

I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn—What was that SOUND?! I’ve only heard you make that once before, but you were under the covers alone, and maybe there was a bee?

New plan: I’m going to match the sounds you’re making in the hopes of making it crystal clear that I, Baxter, your loyal Yorkshire Terrier, am VERY DOWN for whatever version of wrestling this is.

Wow, now you’ve raised your voice at me. Not sure where this is coming from. Maybe you feel like I can’t contribute? Have you seen me at the dog park? I’ve put in my ten thousand hours and, frankly, could offer some pointers!

Maybe you need a reminder? Which is why I have brought a visual aid: Mr. Squeaky. Look how I absolutely destroy him! See, you need me in there!

Not really sure why you took Mr. Squeaky away. And thank you for the bone, but honestly, I don’t even want it. The only thing on my to-do list is putting my nose into the slippery, slimy goo that is emanating from you and your friend! Can I please just lick something?! I don’t even have a preference. I can lick you, your bearded friend, the place where your face meets his. Just spitballing here because my goodness THIS LOOKS FUN!!

I don’t know how I can be clearer. I’ve paced back and forth at the foot of the bed, moaned with you in unison, and licked all of your toes. Is it because I don’t have testicles? To be fair, you took those. And I’m not even upset! But if I was, the best way to make it up to me would be to let me in on the stinkpot stew you’re brewing!

Whatever is happening right now feels very similar to what I do with Riley when you leave me with Aunt Susan. I notice your friend is good at mounting, but he’ll get better leverage if he puts his paws closer to your hip sockets. See, I can contribute!

Should I hop on the bed? I feel like maybe I’ll hop on the bed. Okay, you’ve kicked me off the bed.

Have I not made it PATENTLY CLEAR how on board— You’re done? It’s over? Already? No problem! Happy to start Round 2! Put me in, Coach!

Why are you moving into the living room? Now you’ve turned on That Glowing Box that makes you fall asleep with your eyes open. Ugh, fine. But just so you know, I’m going to spend the next hour licking your bedspread.