Here at Incel Burger, we pride ourselves on treating our customers like they’re family. “Hey mom, sorry your parole hearing didn’t go as planned, care for a burger?” “Here comes Papa. He’s still got trench foot, but he could sure use a burger.” “Oh look, it’s my baby brother. He may have the strength of ten full grown men, but babies cannot eat burgers. Just kidding, you can have one too, sport.” If you’ve ever visited one of our locations, you know that these are all greetings our staff is instructed to tell customers as they walk in. It’s just a little touch that we believe makes Incel Burger stand out as a more homey alternative to our competition.

Because of our emphasis on family, we take our customers’ complaints very seriously. Over the past few weeks, we’ve been listening to your criticisms. “The food is always wet for some reason.” “The cooks constantly wrestle each other instead of making food, and if a customer asks them to stop, they get challenged to join the wrestling match.” “Incel Burger is a huge corporation that is not only profiting off of a deeply misogynistic subset of the population through its brand, but also normalizing and giving platform to an unprecedented level of sexist toxicity.” We hear you. We’re going to do better. And it starts with providing you with the freshest ingredients we can offer.

Not only that, but now through the end of the month, with every purchase of an Incel Burger, we’re going to give you a free medium “Girlfriend’s Fingers Fries,” which are, of course, named after their intended purpose of being scraped against your cheek before you eat them so that you can pretend you have a girlfriend, and it is her fingers that are touching your face in a playful/flirty manner.

Call us old-fashioned, but we believe that the suits in Washington D.C. should be the ones who worry about politics. As for us, we’d prefer to focus on providing you with the greatest burger experience we can. So do your best to ignore rumors like, “Incel Burger’s CEO has a penchant for funneling company money directly into a Sasquatch hunting organization that has never found any evidence of Sasquatch, and instead, has inadvertently started numerous wildfires during their searches. Their carelessness has resulted in the destruction of over 20,000 acres of forests in the Pacific Northwest.” Remember, this blunder does not in any way reflect the values of our company. We may not be able to regrow the forests our CEO turned to ash, or even extinguish the rampaging flames that are still going strong at the time of this press release, but we can quench your thirst. That’s why we’re offering you a free medium soft drink, served in a souvenir cup that’s shaped like the screenplay for (500) Days of Summer, with any purchase of $1 or more, now until the end of the month.

Our customers expected better from Incel Burger. We’d like to assure you that there is no one more disappointed in ourselves than us. When we were caught making fake dating profiles using images of our customers taken from our security camera footage, we felt terrible. And when we were caught using those fake dating profiles to catfish unsuspecting individuals in order to send them coupons and invite them on dates to Incel Burger (just to try to get them in our doors in hopes they’d buy something), we felt like absolute horseshit. What we thought was an innovative and revolutionary marketing strategy was actually a colossal breach of your trust, and we are sorry.

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior, especially when it comes from a restaurant that ships its ingredients to our locations fresh, never frozen (because God forbid the one dollar meat patty that takes you 30 seconds to eat was frozen at any point in time) and also makes its own bread in-house. (Our customers love how the tops of each and every one of our buns are branded with the image of our loveable little mascot, The King of the Friendzone.)

As a way to make it up to you, now until the end of the month, we’re going to allow each customer to commit one crime inside our locations, nationwide. Destroy some of our property. Engage in insider trading. Hunt an endangered species. We promise we will not call the cops.

Thank you for the feedback. You are helping us become better. Though we might be making quite a few changes, one thing we will never change is our dedication to serving you the food you love. Also our name. We are not fucking budging on that shit.