If I failed in this life then it is purely because our society is designed for artists like myself to do so. What may appear to be a lifetime of poor decision-making and selfish acts has actually been one long piece of satire designed at taking down the entire system. Allow me to explain.

You see, when I was fired from my job at Target for stealing money out of the register, it was actually a clever commentary on American capitalism. Quite subtle, I know. And ditto for the pair of dockers and Friends t-shirt they caught me with on the way out. The dockers were a very clever jab at the state of the modern workforce and shirt, a take on toxic fandom of course. Assume that whenever I’m caught stealing, or have been caught in the past, that I’m attempting to make a grander point about some injustice or infallibility in our nation.

My blatant, and incredibly vocal, refusal to pay taxes and my battle with the IRS that followed was, you guessed it, another big charade aimed at taking down a sleeping giant. What may appear to some to be an aging white guy throwing a fit outside of an H&R Block has actually been me parodying the modern American man’s love/hate relationship with Uncle Sam. My indictment by grand jury on tax charges and time served should illustrate my overall commitment to the work. Did Rembrandt ever go to jail for his art? Didn’t think so.

The countless affairs, a critique on monogamy and my refusal to pay child support, a play on the postmodern helicopter parent. While my ex-wives and children may not fully comprehend the totality of my work, they can’t help but respect it, despite what they may say publicly and privately.

The increasingly bizarre, and borderline dangerous, ramblings posted on my Wix blog site do not represent my actual thoughts on the state of American politics, but I’ll assume you already knew that. All those who actually take the time to actually read my posts understand that I am lampooning the two-party system, and doing so with great effect. My time spent at various MAGA rallies and the countless donations I’ve made to help Republicans get elected in local races serves as further evidence of my sly and biting satire. I’m doing character work at the absolute highest level.

The laundry list of DUI’s and open intoxication charges that I’ve obtained over the years should be strictly viewed as an indictment on the alcohol industry. That I was caught breaking into a brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan, to steal entire kegs of beer was, of course, intentional on my part. That break-in was a calculated attempt to take down Big Alcohol and showcase the arrogance of major corporations when it comes to their weak security measures. I also think I might have been trying to say something about the minimum wage. I can’t remember.

What you view as a lifetime of failure has, in fact, been a lifetime of public advocacy and art. Books will be written about me in the future and statues erected in my honor throughout the country. But until that time, I will continue on with my mission and remain steadfast in exposing all phonies and posers. Few greats are recognized for their achievements whilst still achieving them, but I have little doubt that my work will be remembered hundreds of years from now. School lessons, perhaps even entire units, will be taught in classrooms across the country chronicling those stolen Target brand dockers and that Friends t-shirt.