My fellow citizens of Dunkin’ Nation, I come to you today to announce that I’m running for president. Although I’m the head of a multi-national fast food chain, I’m just like you—I put my pants on only when I have to, I want my coffee to taste like dessert, and I’m sick of this broken two-party system.
I never wanted to get my head all mixed up in this—I was happy to keep it where it belongs next to a tray of adorable Munchkins® I arranged to look like my Nana. But I got excited when I saw Howard was going to run. Not as a Democrat because he would never win, but as an Independent, just there to stir up some stale Democratic coffee that got reheated in a Republican microwave after someone made a mess with clam chowder in it.
As I like to say, even though things might be a horrifying mess, don’t forget your stir stick!
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures—have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you could! Besides, more competition is what forced Dunkin’ to put on their thinkin’ lids and come up with flavor shots and flavor swirls! I think we can all agree that America’s two parties could really benefit from this kind of pressure.
But then it started to seem like ole Howard might not have the coffee beans to do something as important as make a symbolic run for president. What a letdown! Or as I like to call it, a Tim Hortons.
So I invited my best friend Petey over and we did what we always do to cheer ourselves up: stuff donut holes back into the donuts they came from while saying: “You complete me.” But this time, when I put the last hole in the last donut, Petey said, “America runs on Dunkin, and you are going to run for America.” How cute!
America is the donut, and I'm the donut hole.
I tried to think of a reason to stay out of the race and instead just cozy up where I’m most comfortable—by the donut fryer. But I couldn’t because I didn’t try very hard.
So America, I’m doing it! It’s time that you got what you wanted: a liberal-leaning white man with a love of flavor swirls running as an Independent in the upcoming election. Nothing could deter me! Unless you were to say that me running could potentially take votes away from coffee-drinking Democratic candidates—and open the door for a man who doesn't even drink coffee to remain in office.
I guess that would be a terrifying thought, and I would have to look myself hard in my Munchkin®-shaped eyes and ask: Am I willing to risk coffee, just so I can be the oatmeal of this presidential race?