trump: hey, is he picking on you

postal service: no

trump: then why did i see you give him your lunch money

postal service: it was nothing

trump: that was not nothing

postal service: can’t you just ask my how my day was like a normal parent

trump: how was your day

postal service: i don’t wanna talk about it


amazon: is your dad pissed

postal service: it’s fine

amazon: oh. okay

postal service: yeah

amazon: can we—

postal service: not here


trump: i saw what happened. i saw that punk push you against the lockers

postal service: dad why did you come into the school

trump: don’t change the subject

postal service: it was nothing. we were just messing around

trump: do you want me to say something to him?

postal service: please dad no

trump: you know his dad is a big jerk right? that’s where he gets it

postal service: i think his dad’s pretty nice

trump: not to me he’s not


jeff bezos: hi

trump: hey jeff. I’m calling to talk about your son. i think he’s been bullying—

jeff bezos hangs up

trump: hello?


alexa: you and my brother are more than friends aren’t you

postal service: no, what are you talking about

alexa: you know i’m always listening, right?


trump: let me see your neck

postal service: dad stop, plz

trump: let me see your neck

trump pulls down postal’s service turtleneck

trump: jesus christ, he bit you didn’t he

postal service: no it’s a burn mark

trump: oh, a burn mark? a burn mark? from what exactly?

postal service: something hot


trump: jeff if you hang up on me i will have to talk directly to your—

jeff bezos hangs up 


trump: i understand you know my son pretty well

amazon: um yeah i guess. i mean we have class together

trump: you think it’s okay to bully him?

amazon: i’m gonna be late to—

trump: if i find another bite mark on my son, you will be hearing from my lawyer, do you understand me?

amazon: listen I think you should talk to your son. also didn’t your lawyer quit

trump: beat it, punk!


postal service: dad you don’t understand

trump: do you think I’m just gonna keep giving you money knowing you’re giving it to a bully? do you think I’m just gonna bail you out?

postal service: your dad gave you money

trump: don’t change the subject

postal service: dad you smell like alcohol. it’s 3:30

trump: i’m gonna call jeff


jeff bezos’ voicemail: sorry i can’t come to the phone right now, but leave your name and number and i’ll give you a call back. also, hey trump, go fuck yourself

trump: i hate you jeff bezos!!!


amazon: i brought you a “package”

amazon grins sheepishly

postal service: okay, really?

amazon hands postal service a green bag marked “fresh”

postal service: thanks as always for going out and getting this. it’s so much better than the crap they serve in the cafeteria

amazon: the only thanks i’ll accept is a kiss

postal service: right here? what if someone sees

amazon: let them

postal service: i’m nervous

amazon: me too

they kiss


trump: holy shit

he lowers the binoculars

trump: you are so grounded

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.