(This is the first part in a two part series, which I am telling you to attempt to create suspense and to try to make you think I’ve planned this out. I just really need you to like this post. I do not profit off of LinkedIn likes in any way, but I sure do crave attention and validation. So without further ado, I will now tell you a story that is 99% doctored to try to make you think I’m “driven” and have a “good work ethic,” so that you might consider me for an unpaid internship in the future.)

Creativity.

Perseverance.

A watch that looks expensive.

A firm handshake.

A white-sounding name.

These are the top five traits employers look for when hiring candidates. Job seekers like me used to get it all wrong, and I used to get rejected constantly. That is, until I had an experience that changed my entire outlook on life.

Back when I was unemployed, a company emailed me regarding my job application. In the email, they said “Hey Peter, we reviewed your resume, and we would love to interview you for a full-time position! Thanks, Selina.”

But my autocorrect messed up! Instead of saying “Yes, would you be available on Friday?”, I accidentally replied, “You’re a disgusting pig, your entire existence is meaningless, and I hope you and your family suffer miserable and violent deaths.”

I had no idea what to do, and I tried to email back explaining the situation. But by this point, the recruiter had already blocked my email address!

I was panicked at the prospect of a person denying me opportunities based on circumstances that were completely out of my control. I knew I had to act quickly to fix this situation. If you’re one of the three people glancing at this because your Twitter/Facebook/Instagram feed hasn’t updated in a while, giving you no choice but to look at LinkedIn, I’m about to create some suspense for you!

Tune in tomorrow to figure out how I got out of this situation!


(This is the second part in a two part series, which I am telling you to try to get you to click on my previous post. If you don’t like this post, I will lose my job, house, and my brother will decide to stop talking to me after three years of tense Thanksgiving dinners. Okay, I won’t actually, but that’s what getting anything less than three million likes on this post will feel like to me.)

Yesterday’s post laid out a pretty dire predicament. So how did I handle it?

I used context clues from the email I received, like a link to the recruiter’s LinkedIn, to find the recruiter’s LinkedIn. I sent her an invitation to connect and attached a thirteen minute video of me begging at her feet for forgiveness. I then found the company on Twitter, tweeted at them once every ten minutes explaining the mishap for the next 72 hours, and insisted that it was all a horrible misunderstanding.

Thanks to my hard work, the company direct messaged me on Twitter that weekend. They said that because of my resilience, they hired a hitman to kill the current Vice President so that they could make me the new VP of the company!

And as for Selina? Well, she ended up accepting my request on LinkedIn. Not to mention, she decided that, in repentance for the mishap, she would birth her first child by my seed and give me full custody if the child was a boy! My son Malcolm is eight years old now, and he’s already got a own business of his own. (Have you heard of Uber? His business has nothing to do with that, but their logos look really similar. He’s been sued twice already! My boy is growing up so fast.)

Long story short, be resourceful, work hard, and someday you too can become a millionaire like me.

If you are younger than me or have a job that is worse than mine, make sure to comment “Wow incredible story!” or “Peter I admire your drive!!” in an attempt to network with me. If you are older than me, make sure to share this post with a comment to your millennial colleagues about “the dangers of technology” and how we have to be careful in this “new digital era” because “things just aren’t what they used to be” anymore.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.