Can you make some room on this crowded train car for me and my large backpack? My backpack is a huge piece of luggage that an airline would probably make me check, but luckily, there are no size restrictions on public transportation.

I’m gonna keep this bad boy on my back for this entire commute because I hate holding it with my hands. It would free up a lot of space if I were to just take it off and set it on the ground by my feet, but I like it when it’s on my back. It’s like I’m getting a little hug from an enormous wrestler like The Rock.

I love The Rock and I wish he’d run for President of the United States.

Actually, I’m pretty comfortable. But in theory, nobody wants to be on this train.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what in God’s name I’m carrying around with me in this Dwayne Johnson-sized sack. Well, what would you say if I told you that I’ve got four laptop computers on my person at this very moment? Because that’s the reality of the situation. I do not need even one laptop at any point during my workday, but I look like an important businessman when I set up all four computers in my cubicle at once. I also pack a gaming mouse that makes a loud clicking sound that is fun for me and hell for others. I’ll use this mouse to click from cell to cell on the spreadsheet that makes me look like I’m working.

Speaking of sounds, you may notice some pretty loud, weird noises on this commute, and that’s because I have my headphones up really high. I like to think of that as introducing the train to Good Music. This is Korn and you are welcome.

I’m gonna take a second to ask that you not shove my very grande backpack every time the train lurches and it slams into you. I’m carrying some precious cargo here, and hell yes I’m referring to my lunch, which today is a Lunchables. It is protected by a box and a plastic tray but there’s still a chance you could break up all of the nacho chips when you elbow me, and then I’d have to mix all the chip crumbs into the queso and eat it with a spoon. I actually don’t have a problem with this, but I’m not allowed to do it in the break room anymore because it made Linda barf.

It’s not my fault I sneezed during a big bite o’ cheesy chips and also that Linda sucks.

My backpack reeks and that one is on me. I keep forgetting to take my old gym shoes out. I haven’t been to the gym in forever, but for some reason my sneakers keep smelling worse and worse as time goes by. Maybe there’s a fungal thing going on?

Anyway, my backpack might smell like a rotting mushroom farm, but you’ll notice that my hot breath, which is filling up the train car, smells good. I always carry mints with me in case I get a case of coffee breath, but that almost never happens because I pretty much only drink Mountain Dew. I actually have a bottle in my cargo pants right now. I’d offer it to you, but I want it.

I saw you shaking your head when that woman had to majorly squeeze by me to get off at her stop. I know you think maybe I should move out of the doorway to let people out, but that’s just another thing I don’t want to do. Face it, nobody wants to be on this crowded train and deal with other people this early in the morning.

Actually, I’m pretty comfortable. But in theory, nobody wants to be on this train.

Let’s just try to settle in and enjoy the commute, which for you will probably feel much longer than the 45 minutes it really is. And if you could do me one more big favor and jam yourself even closer to that other dude wearing a humongous backpack, it’d really make my morning that much better.