I’ve read the recent reviews and I must say they are most unfair! I certainly never intended for Look at My Awesome Life to be considered anything close to hubristic or well, braggy. And yet, here we are. The New York Times hates it, my ex-wives hate it, and my children who I am largely estranged from for reasons that are entirely their fault, also hate it. You’ve all said your piece, now please afford me the opportunity to say mine, again.
When I first put pen to paper, or rather when my 12 person team of assistants and ghostwriters did, I viewed Look at My Awesome Life as the chance to tell my story. Growing up as the only child of an aging oil baron with loose morals made me who I am today. So when I tell stories about vacationing in Bermuda, or father buying me my own theme park for my tenth birthday, I do so not to be showy, but to provide context for a life lived. Many know me as the man who stole your hearts on Entertainment Televisions’ Playboys of Pasadena, but I’ve struggled too and I want people to be aware of that.
I felt that the early sections of the book focusing on my childhood, told tales of perseverance and overcoming the odds. You see, it was never certain that my father would name me as his successor at Cheap Oil Incorporated, which may come as a surprise to some of you. In fact, as I matured into a teen, dabbled in recreational drug use, got caught stealing packs of gum, and tried to set fire to the steps of the Museum of Modern Art, my father came down quite hard on me. I'll never forget when my father gave me one of the most vicious reaminga of my life after the MoMA debacle. I can still hear his words, “Son, you can’t burn cement. Please do not try to burn cement anymore.” That conversation changed my life and I immediately, after another 10 years of debauchery, got my life in order.
I’ll admit that maybe some of the sections on my various sexual escapades might be a little too graphic, but hey, sex sells. And so what if chapters like “So Many Women, So Little Time,” “You Put What? Where?” and “Affairs with Celebrities You Know,” made some of the Big Apple’s society types blush a little? That’s on them, not me. It was never my intention to glamorize having lots of sex with beautiful women and I’m sorry if it came across that way.
I’ve also received quite a bit of feedback on the chapter titled “Problems,” wherein I discuss some of the biggest obstacles I’ve had to face. Again, I thought readers would find these stories moving, particularly the 6,000-word diatribe on taxes and how unfair they are. I also thought the story of a woman who confused me with Fabio in 1995 would perhaps win over some hearts in minds. I recognize that it wasn’t a problem per se, I just didn’t really know where else to put it. And look, I am not so out of touch to understand that there are those with problems much bigger than mine, but you must keep in mind that such things are relative. A family finding themselves unable to pay their rent is akin to me finding myself unable to locate a pair of pants in my massive closet. On the surface, these things may not seem the same, but when you think about it, they’re really not so different. We all face challenges!
There are two mistakes I made in relation to Look at My Awesome Life, and those are working too hard and caring too much. I stripped myself down to nothing but my bronzed bod and made myself vulnerable, which isn’t easy to do. While the book is currently a bestseller and my accountant told me that all of the ghostwriters are tax-deductible, I regret having written it. Just because I am rich and famous, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
In closing, I say this to the critics and tweeters across the country, your words have hurt me! I wrote this book for positive attention and affirmation and the exact opposite has occurred. I’ve come to the realization that the world is a cold and harsh place.
I’m hoping an extended stay at my compound in Ibiza will help me forget this whole thing. That usually works.