Dear Santa,

I am reaching out to you on behalf of my son, my angel, my Trevin. I was disappointed to learn that you put him on the naughty list this year. I know you’ve been evaluating the morality of children since 280 A.D., but that you would have the audacity to judge my son, and by extension my Nigerian nanny’s parenting, is unbelievable. I demand that you quit bullying my son and take him off the Naughty List!

As a hardworking single mother who lives with her billionaire husband, I am often stretched thin, working demanding hours 20 hours a week, brunch-networking with other wealthy peoples, all to give Trevin the life he deserves. It pains me to think that the charming childhood I’ve carefully constructed for Trevin could come crashing down, all due to the lasting ramifications your belligerent bullying will have on him. I should know; I was a victim of bullying my parents until they bought me a Mercedes for my 6th birthday to use as a playhouse for my Yorkshire terriers. Now I can’t drink wine unless it’s a $2,600 bottle of Château Cheval Blanc. But you wouldn’t understand any of this, would you, because you’ve never been a parent.

I am a good mother and by extension, Trevin is a good kid. He never acts out or needs to be disciplined by me. He gives free haircuts to his classmates, he combats the school’s broken heater issue by periodically setting it on fire, and he encouraged more than one student to change schools so they could pursue their dream of not being near him anymore. That he does all this while being bullied by his grade school teachers who spread vicious rumors that he has undiagnosed ADHD to me in private is personally inspiring. What else does he need to do to be put on the Nice List, short of overcoming your unfounded personal vendetta against him?

If Trevin did act out, which I find very unlikely from everything Trevin’s told me when I saw him 3 months ago, then that is not a reflection on me or Trevin as I’ve made very clear, but on you as Santa and how poorly you run your workshop. While the population size has increased every year and has not been supplemented with additional Santas to help out, let’s be honest: 2.2 billion children are not that many children. If you were a good Santa, you would be able to reach all of them instead of putting my son on the Naughty List so that you have fewer kids to visit. Purchasing all your toy-making supplies out-of-pocket on virtually no income, having to keep up with ever-changing toy standards and navigating all the governments in the world to ensure that you’re not violating international air laws are no excuse for outright laziness, especially when you have 364 days of vacation time to recover.

Now, I’m not unreasonable. I’ve been in your boots. I’ve given plenty of gifts before and it can be difficult, like the time I sent my butler out to buy something loud for Trevin across the city during rush hour and forgot to give him my Chase Sapphire Reserve® card. He had no choice but to use his month’s income and was not reimbursed and that was a hard conversation I chose not to have with him before letting him go. So you see? We’re the same and in the spirit of our mutual understanding of each other, please find enclosed a charitable donation of $10,000 to put Trevin on the Nice List.

Please be advised that if you do not accept my charitable donation, in addition to a lawsuit, there will be no milk or cookies waiting for you at the bottoms of our four chimneys this year or any other year in the future. If you think you can live without our locally-sourced Levain Bakery Chocolate Chip Walnut cookies on your route, then be my guest.

Happy Holidays,

Gertrude Bouchard

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.