Hey. HEY! Put down the hammer and pay attention. It's me , your two-bedroom house, newly updated with stained oak kitchen cabinets. Look, I get it, I really do —it's been an entire year of the same old lockdown and it's tiring, but we need to talk. I've fallen victim to nine different home renovation trends now, and the time has come to face facts : you are projecting, and renovating me again will not fix you.
Home Depot can sell you a mirror, but they can't make you see yourself. Yes, I know that's deep. I've had plenty of time to think about it while you were crying over reruns of Property Brothers. It's high time for some self-reflection, and maybe some acceptance that home improvement just isn't for you. You've gutted my bathrooms, my kitchen, my laundry, even my tiny storage area under the stairs that was really offending nobody, but I haven't set eyes on a single professional contractor.
Do you even know what a spirit level is? No, I know you don't, because if you did, maybe the newly created window in my living room would close.
You can install new floorboards, but that won't install self-respect. Actually, you also can't install new floorboards —my second bedroom is a literal death trap after your attempts there. How far are you going to take this? I'm sorry, but I REFUSE to go on HGTV. You don't have the budget, and I don't have the structural integrity to sustain a third-floor patio. We are NOT on Good Bones, we will NEVER be on Good Bones.
Replacing the kitchen backsplash won't replace your formative years. Have you considered reuniting with your father? What's he up to? Does he know a plumber? I don't know if you've noticed, but the shower has actually been leaking pretty badly ever since last month's wildly unsuccessful bathroom “rejuvenation,” which, for the record, did NOT help you come to terms with your childhood. The faucet has also been dripping for weeks, and unless you're planning to pay the water bill in CHAOTIC ENERGY, you can NOT afford what's coming to you.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that even if, by some MIRACLE, I am renovated to the standard that you and a variety of Pinterest vision boards hold for me, it will not change anything. You'll still be single, just with slightly more consistent crown moulding in the living room.
While we're on the topic, it's been six years since you broke up with Brad . Don't you think maybe it's time to bring somebody else into my recently remodeled bedroom? Perhaps somebody with carpentry experience? Rewiring my lighting circuits does not prove you're a strong independent woman—it just proves you don't understand the concept of a safety hazard.
I'm sorry, but this is not #housegoals, this is just #sad, and I need you to find an emotional outlet that does not involve a power saw.
I know you say you've found your passion, but it's time to use that toolbox to construct yourself a résumé. You don't need a feature wall, you need a job, because the reality is this : You may not Love It, but I'll be DAMNED if I let you List It.