I hear this story all the time. You got dressed, put on a nice shirt, filled your pockets with the dirt from where you got your first kiss (for good luck), and went to an interview for your dream job. You brushed up on your interviewing skills, researched the company, and ate a box of candy canes to freshen your breath. But as soon as you were asked the most common interview prompt (“Tell me a little bit about yourself”), you panicked and blurted out, “I’m a cat who loves lasagna, but hates Mondays.”

It happens all too often.

Fortunately, there are ways to salvage the situation and still get an offer for the job you want.


Convince the Interviewer That a Cat Who Loves Lasagna, But Hates Mondays, Is the Best Candidate for the Position

This is not going to be easy. Lasagna is a heavy dish, high in carbohydrates, meaning that someone who loves to eat it each day for lunch is going to get pretty lethargic for the second half of the day. Combine that with an immediate contempt for 20% of the working week, and your potential employer may be wondering, “Why should I hire this clown, and do they have all their shots?”

All you need is a little creativity. Perhaps the job is a sales position and requires selling products to clients. If you hate Mondays, the client will know you’re not a total dweeb-ass and be more inclined to buy from you. Or maybe the job is for an administrative assistant. I can’t think of a better example of multitasking than being able to eat flat pasta, ground beef, tomato sauce, and three different types of cheeses all in one dish.


Just Own It

Garfield is the ambassador of suffering, pain, and despair. He has a proven track record of physical abuse directed towards Odie. Jon Arbuckle is complicit in Garfield’s transgressions against the canine solely because he is afraid that once Garfield has concluded unleashing his explosive rage upon Odie, Jon will be next.

Use the fear associated with the name “Garfield” to your advantage.

Yeah, you’re Garfield, is that a goddamn problem? The only way you communicate is through gigantic thought bubbles, and it’s usually a rude retort. You’ve got twelve stripes but don’t give a single shit. If the interviewer knows what’s good for them, they will give you this job.


Lie to Your Interviewer and Convince Them That You Never Said You Were Garfield

It’s called gaslighting and anybody who’s anybody (sociopathic/narcissistic) is doing it. You may be worried that this is immoral, but the corporate world is “kill or be killed.” You can be a loser who misses out on jobs because they accidentally confused their identity with that of a famous comic strip cat for a brief moment, or you can be a winner who comes out on top because they are willing to make others doubt their sanity through manipulative tactics.

Which will you choose?


Backtrack and Say That You’re Not Garfield But Instead Your Name is Beetle Bailey and Your Service in the Armed Forces Translates Into Skills That are Applicable in the Corporate Environment

Many veterans returning home face the challenge of showing potential employers how their military experience can be used in a civilian career. However, skills like leadership, the willingness to work with others towards a common goal, and the ability to think quickly on your toes are all attributes that employers value. It doesn’t matter if were a flight cadet, an admiral, or a lazy private who was the constant ire of your sergeant due to your hijinks and hilarious mishaps: A lot of what you learned can make you a valuable asset to civilian life.

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