Listen to the dramatic reading by Collin Colson!

Your friend Jason is not the brightest crayon in the case.

You love him, but boy, he can be thick sometimes. And there’s one piece of information that just never got in his head that you need to break to him: yes, Jason still doesn’t know that he’s got a skeleton inside him. To avoid him having a meltdown if someone casually mentions it, you need to sit him down and tell him that there is a spooky, bony skeleton boy inside him at all times. Here are some tips.

Comfort Him

Jason only knows skeletons as the scary skull-people from movies and TV shows, so when you tell him that the way he can move and stand up straight is because there is one of those jump-scare monsters inside him, he will probably cry. He will probably instinctively attack whatever is nearest to him. This is natural. He is simply going into survival mode because he feels threatened and scared. Be sure to comfort him. Tell him that the skeleton inside him is a “good skeleton” who is there to scare other people, not him.

Make Sure He is in a Safe Space

This one is less for his sake than it is for the people around him. To avoid him flailing his arms and hitting someone or scaring children, it’s best to tell him in a private place where there is not a lot of fragile furniture or expensive objects. You can see how Jason, when he is told this reality-shattering news, might feel the need to huck a lamp at your face.

Give Him Goldfish

Jason loves goldfish. It’s his calm-down food. When you tell Jason there are 206 bones in his body, feeding him some rainbow goldfish would not be out of place. It is important also to wear face protection, however, because he may try to spit them out at you. But if he is open enough to accept those fun cheese fish into his gob, don’t be shy. Pound fish after fish into his open hole, they’ll do nothing but help.

Squish His Cheeks

When he starts pounding on the walls because he is scared and wants to run away from the skeleton who you just said was inside him, you must act quickly. Grab his cheeks, pinch them, and jiggle them around a little bit. The sound and feeling are sure to keep his mind off of the spooky news. Careful: don’t pinch too hard, or he’ll start to kick.

Avoid Eye Contact

If you look him in the eyes, he will take it as a sign of aggression. As expressed earlier, Jason will be in a very frightened state. He will be defensive and may try to bite off an arm. Stay on your feet, in case he charges you or attempts to grab you with his legs. Remember to stay calm, and push more goldfish into his mouth.

Don’t Let Him Hurt Himself

Depending on his initial reaction to realizing there’s a skeleton inside him, he may turn inward and try to beat the skeleton out of him. Don’t let him do this, as he doesn’t know the consequences. Put him in some kind of lock that restricts his hands and mouth, and speak calming words while holding him, until he comes to his senses and makes peace with the skeleton inside him. Lay him down on the ground, and tell him to sleep. When he wakes, he will be more sensible, and ready to accept that there is a spooky monster inside of him.

With these tips you should be able to prevent Jason from hurting anyone, and help Jason to rehabilitate after the news. If you do this successfully, you should be able to continue your friendship with Jason as usual, until the time comes for you to tell him that there’s a skeleton inside you as well.