• You always get the guac
  • You have all the flip phones you could ever dream of
  • You call out sick for any flu, not just the stomach flu
  • You only work your second, third and fourth jobs when you’re bored
  • You have a stepchild named “Denfer”
  • You always sort from “Most —> Least” expensive when online shopping
  • You pay for a fountain drink instead of asking for a free water cup and filling it with Diet Sierra Mist when no one’s looking
  • When Denfer’s away at boarding school you only Airbnb his room during leaf-peeping season and NEVER when he’s home
  • You donate a respectable enough amount to crowdfunding campaigns that you don’t need to list yourself as anonymous
  • You buy horse monocles in bulk
  • You go see a doctor even if nothing is bleeding, and you never cry after receiving an invoice for lab work
  • You pay for Denfer’s Ivy League golf college in cold hard golf cash as you would never handicap him with golf debt
  • When your heat goes out, you cuddle with your butler for warmth
  • You think the kitchens in Nancy Meyers movies are fine, for a beach house
  • When Denfer marries a non-rich, you don’t think twice about letting her share your HBO GO password even though she claims to have her own
  • You change your underwear daily