To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

DANGER! STOP HAVE BROTHER LARRY STOP WILL RELEASE FOR 100,000 USD STOP SECURE FUNDS IMMEDIATELY STOP OTHERWISE WILL MUTILATE LIKE THEON GREYJOY STOP FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS SUPPLIED UPON REPLY STOP ACT IMMEDIATELY! STOP


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

WTF! I hope my brother is okay, because the sinister WWII telegram-like format of your email is very worrisome. Who is Theon Greyjoy?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Theon Greyjoy is from Game of Thrones. He had his penis cut off and sent back to his family. You would know all this if you watched the show.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

It’s hearing about scenes like that that make me not want to watch it. You haven’t cut off my brother’s penis, have you?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

No, it is still attached. Actually, we will cut off your brother’s fingers first and then his penis. To save him, you need to get us the money ASAP.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Thing is, I never thought my brother should procreate. Can you reverse the order?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

You think this is some sort of joke? Do you really care so little about your own brother?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

I just think his fingers are more valuable than his penis is all. Maybe this way he could finally hold a job. Either way, before I do anything, I have a simple but critical question: How did you come to kidnap my dear brother?
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

He was on a surf trip to Australia, Costa Rica or Ireland when we caught him. And we won’t be any more precise than that. Do you have the money yet?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Thing is, my brother doesn’t surf. How do I know you have him?
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

He was learning to surf and actually getting pretty good before he was abducted. Your mother’s maiden name is Birdwell.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

It’s easy to find a maiden name. I’m going to need more than that.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Fine. In your senior year in high school, you asked Caroline Sullivan to the prom even though you knew that your brother really liked her. Unlike you, Mr. Popular, he had a tough time in high school and you shouldn’t have done that. (He says.)


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

She liked me too. As usual, he’s only looking at one side of the equation, which is why he always did so poorly in math.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

He doesn’t have a mathematical brain!!! How many times does he have to explain that? And Caroline might’ve liked your brother first, if he’d had the chance to ask her out. Then he wouldn’t be in this position. (He says.)


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Caroline and I have been married for eight years.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Whatever. (He says.) Have you gotten the money?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

There’s no chance Caroline would’ve gone out with Larry, even if he asked her out. She only ever liked him as friend.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

How do you know? (He says.)


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

She’s right here. Hi, Larry. (She says.)
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Hi, Caroline. (He says.)


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

BTW I want to complement the kidnappers’ willingness to take down all of Larry’s dictation. That’s very considerate for kidnappers. He’s lucky to have them.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Again, you don’t seem to be taking this seriously. The kidnappers want their money. So get it already. God, do you have to have everything? Caroline, a better bicycle all those years, bigger birthday parties, taller, and now you have to be the only brother with a penis? Real nice! (He says.)


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

I don’t have to have everything, but I won’t be sending the 100,000. What I can do is tell our parents about this desperate situation. Maybe they’ll send the money.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Don’t tell Mom and Dad! (He says.) How about 10,000? We’ll call it a loan.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

How about I invite the kidnappers to my 4th of July party? Mom and Dad will be there. Caroline too, of course. They can meet everybody. Should be a rager.
-Trevor


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

You are an STD! (He says.) Not you, Caroline.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Open Immediately!!!

Trevor’s gone already 🙁 Bye, Larry. Hope you keep your penis. Can’t wait to see you on the 4th!
-Caroline

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