To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
DANGER! STOP HAVE BROTHER LARRY STOP WILL RELEASE FOR 100,000 USD STOP SECURE FUNDS IMMEDIATELY STOP OTHERWISE WILL MUTILATE LIKE THEON GREYJOY STOP FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS SUPPLIED UPON REPLY STOP ACT IMMEDIATELY! STOP
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
WTF! I hope my brother is okay, because the sinister WWII telegram-like format of your email is very worrisome. Who is Theon Greyjoy?
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Theon Greyjoy is from Game of Thrones. He had his penis cut off and sent back to his family. You would know all this if you watched the show.
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
It’s hearing about scenes like that that make me not want to watch it. You haven’t cut off my brother’s penis, have you?
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
No, it is still attached. Actually, we will cut off your brother’s fingers first and then his penis. To save him, you need to get us the money ASAP.
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Thing is, I never thought my brother should procreate. Can you reverse the order?
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
You think this is some sort of joke? Do you really care so little about your own brother?
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
I just think his fingers are more valuable than his penis is all. Maybe this way he could finally hold a job. Either way, before I do anything, I have a simple but critical question: How did you come to kidnap my dear brother?
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
He was on a surf trip to Australia, Costa Rica or Ireland when we caught him. And we won’t be any more precise than that. Do you have the money yet?
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Thing is, my brother doesn’t surf. How do I know you have him?
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
He was learning to surf and actually getting pretty good before he was abducted. Your mother’s maiden name is Birdwell.
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
It’s easy to find a maiden name. I’m going to need more than that.
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Fine. In your senior year in high school, you asked Caroline Sullivan to the prom even though you knew that your brother really liked her. Unlike you, Mr. Popular, he had a tough time in high school and you shouldn’t have done that. (He says.)
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
She liked me too. As usual, he’s only looking at one side of the equation, which is why he always did so poorly in math.
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
He doesn’t have a mathematical brain!!! How many times does he have to explain that? And Caroline might’ve liked your brother first, if he’d had the chance to ask her out. Then he wouldn’t be in this position. (He says.)
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Caroline and I have been married for eight years.
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Whatever. (He says.) Have you gotten the money?
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
There’s no chance Caroline would’ve gone out with Larry, even if he asked her out. She only ever liked him as friend.
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
How do you know? (He says.)
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
She’s right here. Hi, Larry. (She says.)
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Hi, Caroline. (He says.)
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
BTW I want to complement the kidnappers’ willingness to take down all of Larry’s dictation. That’s very considerate for kidnappers. He’s lucky to have them.
-Trevor
To: trevor101@gmail.com
From: hostagetaker4976@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Again, you don’t seem to be taking this seriously. The kidnappers want their money. So get it already. God, do you have to have everything? Caroline, a better bicycle all those years, bigger birthday parties, taller, and now you have to be the only brother with a penis? Real nice! (He says.)
To: hostagetaker4976@gmail.com
From: trevor101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
I don’t have to have everything, but I won’t be sending the 100,000. What I can do is tell our parents about this desperate situation. Maybe they’ll send the money.
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Don’t tell Mom and Dad! (He says.) How about 10,000? We’ll call it a loan.
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
How about I invite the kidnappers to my 4th of July party? Mom and Dad will be there. Caroline too, of course. They can meet everybody. Should be a rager.
-Trevor
To: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
From: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
You are an STD! (He says.) Not you, Caroline.
To: myhostagetaker101@gmail.com
From: trevorpt4796@gmail.com
Subject: Open Immediately!!!
Trevor’s gone already 🙁 Bye, Larry. Hope you keep your penis. Can’t wait to see you on the 4th!
-Caroline