Aries

Conflict may arise for you this week. You may feel compelled to ignore it. Don’t. Call me immediately. No, I don’t care if it’s your boss. I’ll march right up to him and tell him to his face that he must think he’s such a big man picking on the most beautiful, intelligent girl in the whole wide world.

Taurus

This week, some negative feelings may arise, and you may feel the need to wallow. Before you reach for that Prozac, read the Dr. Oz article I sent you on valerian root extract as a natural cure for seasonal depression. I sent it to your [email protected] account. It should be between an email titled “100+ secrets of the 10 most wealthy people in the world” and a forward from my Zumba friend Sandra that you really should open. It’s about a woman who was murdered for ignoring her mother’s advice about checking the back of the car before getting in.

Gemini

As your Venus begins to fade you may be feeling like you’re losing control of your life. A man can really help with that. I know, I know. You told me never to try to set you up with anyone after that fiasco with Barbara’s son. How was I supposed to know he was a Pisces? You should know, there is a lovely young man that just moved in down the street. He drives a 2015 Prius and works in finance. Well, he’s an accountant for Scott Funeral Home. So, finance-adjacent.

Sagittarius

The pride of youth may hurt you in unexpected ways this week. Don’t neglect the wisdom of your elders. For example, the stars tell us that now is the time to begin making small sacrifices if you’d like to get off your parents' cell-phone plan. As it so happens, the women of The View agree. Start by avoiding designer lattes. You should know that decades of exclusively brewing Folgers is how your father and I could afford that hot tub you love to drink all my good Chardonnay in when you make time to visit.

Scorpio

With your moon in Saturn, you may find yourself feeling nostalgic this we—you know what? Nevermind. It’s not like you’d ever take your mother’s advice anyway. 49 hours of labor. 49.

Aquarius

Worry is the death of joy. With your sun in Aquarius, it may also be the death of your gorgeous, supple skin. Did you put SPF 50+ on today? Last Tuesday, Ashley B. gave me a gallons-worth of absolute top-of-the-line wrinkle cream that she had to get rid of because the samples expired. You remember Ashley B., you went to high school with her little brother? The one who got caught egging that one girl’s car who fell through the ice in ‘97? Anyway, she works at Nordstroms now and says “Hi.” Anywho, I’m mailing them to you along with an open package of underwear that I bought but decided didn’t fit right.

Virgo

Everybody goes through periods where they feel weak and emotionally unhinged. You may be feeling this fatigue more than most. I’ve always thought you were a little anemic. Aunt Marge heard on the radio that over 94% of women are iron deficient. Poor thing, with your mercury in retrograde on top of everything else. Not to mention your high school boyfriend getting married this weekend to the Johnson girl with the thin hair. You should really take the planet’s advice on that speed dating event happening at the church this weekend. It’s a great way to meet people!

Capricorn

With the planets ever-changing, it’s no wonder that humans shift their personalities so much throughout the month. Duality lives inside all of us. The key is to keep it inside, not blast it all over social media. Speaking of, could you talk to your sister about that? I know she’s in college and just having a good time, but how is she going to get a job with all of those videos of her doing her “eco-terrorist performance art” on Facebook? I’m no expert, but I can’t imagine anyone wanting to hire someone who may end up leading a workers strike because the company won’t invest in reusable sandwich bags, or whatever her reason is for writhing around in deli meats is this time.

Pisces

The universe may offer you the opportunity to adjust your thinking this week. Take it. Who knows? You just may fall in love with a funeral home accountant who lives three houses down from your mother. Would that be so bad?

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