Want a break from the ads?

Stop listening.

You know how long you've been playing this same goddamn DJ? I know he calls himself an artist, but come on. It's Pitbull. His idea of creativity is ripping a chart-topper from the 80's and adding a drum beat to it. He's a hack.

But no, sounds like this is super important to you. You've got things figured out, listening to this Cuban cockroach on shuffle, day after day. I bet you're a lot of fun at work.

Want a break from the ads? Well, do ya, punk?

Have you heard of iTunes? Worst-case, you're out a buck twenty-nine. Is that too much to ask?Let me ask you a question. When's the last time you called your parents? Hell, when's the last time you sat down and wrote your mom a goddamn letter, telling her thanks—thanks for raising me and putting me through college and taking care of me when I got drugged out and crashed the Camaro that she had bought for me—for me­—even though I was pretty able to support myself at that point, thank you very much. Huh? When's the last time? I bet you can't even remember. I bet you've never even though of doing that, let alone actually put the time in to get a thoughtful card and put your feelings on paper and sign your name in a heartfelt and quirky manner that really lets her know you care.

I bet you don't even know cursive, you miserable piece of shit.

Want a break from the ads?

Step outside for a goddamn second, fat ass. Have you looked in a mirror recently? I've seen what happens when you take me on your walks. You're breathing heavy after three minutes.

Also—walks? Have some respect, man. You burn more calories hitting shuffle six times than walking for an hour.

How to mute ads on Spotify
Mute? Really? You think I'm that dumb?

Want a break from the ads?

Meditate. Get away from the noise. Think about what things must have gone wrong in your formative years for you to be living in this quote-unquote studio, scum on the shower floor, scrambling every month to pay the rent. $9.99 a month for practically infinite music at your fingertips is a luxury you just can't fucking afford. You're actually creating 20-song playlists that are just Uptown Funk and 19 copies of Uptown Funk, so you can hit "Play Shuffle" and be guaranteed four minutes of those sultry horns. I mean, Jesus Christ—have you heard of iTunes? Worst-case, you're out a buck twenty-nine. Is that too much to ask?

I don't care that iTunes is a huge competitor of ours. I really want to know—is that too much?


Want a break from the ads?

You know what, man? It's yours—all the music, none of the ads. Fully comped. It might not be legal, but fuck it. I'll take the blame. You need this more than I do.

Just, please—no more Pitbull.