Dear y’all,

It is your lucky day, you small private university in a southern metropolis! You can snatch me up as an adjunct faculty member starting at the end of June. Elections for Governor of Arkansas aren’t till 2022, so gimme a classroom full of second-string lacrosse players who are thirsty for validation—this mama’s fixin’ to teach creative writing!

If you’re thinking I have no background in academia, let me state an actual fact, something I know you have trouble with. The White House stories I told at my press briefings every 94 days prove I’m an auteur, something I’m sure you wouldn’t understand. Oh, you disagree? Well that’s a bold accusation.

It’s time for me to lecture an audience that isn’t as highly offensive as so-called journalists. They whined when I didn’t talk to them enough, but when I did, they never let me tell my stories about the extreme violence from the southern border, the sainthood of Justice Kavanaugh, or a beautiful tale about the greatest tax cut in history that was far too advanced for them to comprehend.

For the record, as White House Press Secretary it was literally not a job requirement that I be able to read, so I think for me your job would be a lot more good.

Contrary to what you supposedly believe, I am well suited to teach creative writing because I read a lot of books growing up, like my dad’s campaign leaflets and in addition The Lovely Bones. I hear Ayn Rand is good, but no doorstops for me thank you very much. (You will note there I inserted a joke, so I’m easy to get along with, and it would be ridiculous to suggest otherwise.)

As a experienced speaker of English, I know language can be whatever you want. Difficult analogies are the mark of a smart writer COUNTLESS PEOPLE TOLD ME SO. I am a master of making something out of nothing but not in the way the liberal media does. They are highly offensive.

When you say things in the heat of the moment, THAT IS HUMAN and it is highly offensive to suggest otherwise. The media’s highly offensive focus on priorities doesn’t line up with the rest of America!!! Who knows what the truth is????? NONE OF US!!! And if anyone knows that, it’s me. lol.

EXCUSE me for just a second—you’ll get your turn to ask a question—and let me invoke a great character reference of me that I wrote:

I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully and will continue to do so!

Of course, many people said that tweet was illegal since I named the restaurant that ungraciously KICKED ME OUT, but censorship is the devil, y’all.

Now I’ve addressed everything you need to know, and with all due respect, you don’t actually know anything about me in terms of what I did or was exorcized from.

Genuinely look forward to working with you, and it’s highly offensive to suggest otherwise,

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.