Hey dipshits!

It’s March, the third month of the year. I know you asswipes aren’t used to getting talked to by a calendar month, but I want to tell you that I’ve seen all your little tweets and jokes and memes about how it’s March again. I get it, you’re pissed at me. And I’m here to say, guess what? I’m pissed at YOU.

All I wanted to do is continue the progression of time the way it has been going for all of fucking history. But suddenly it’s MY fault the pandemic is still happening? Because I dared to suggest that we continue marking the passage of time?! I am literally a collection of days with zero agency. I didn’t do SHIT.

You think I wanted the month to go like this?! Hell no! In a GOOD year, people are so fucking rude to me. If I hear “in like a lion, out like a lamb” one more time, I’m going to shoot April. But now on top of everything, I’ve got to take on the burden of it being the anniversary of lockdown?! I’m sorry, did I ignore public health warnings? Did I fail to invest in PPE? Did I decide to make masks a political issue? No, that wasn’t me? Oh that’s right, because I was minding my own fucking business.

Since you dickheads seem to be a bit confused, let me spell out for you what’s your job and what’s my job. Your job: stay the hell inside (if you can). My job: pass the time at the exact same rate that it has always passed. Your job: get vaccinated, idiot. My job: bring you Mario Day on March 10th (that guy rules).

Oh I’m sorry, am I being too hard on you? Maybe instead of talking to you directly about what’s bothering me, I should spend a whole calendar year making memes about how horrible you are. Is that what you want?! Maybe one day we can switch roles and everyone can resent YOU while I go out partying and farting into my friends’ mouths! Sounds PRETTY GREAT TO ME!

I would love to intervene and end your shitty pandemic. I really would! But I can’t. You know what I can do? Show you what the date is. Bring you every conceivable type of weather in the span of 30 days. Host a damn fine basketball tournament. You know what I can’t do? GROW A BODY WITH ARMS AND LEGS AND DRAG YOU STUPID IDIOTS OUT OF THE PANDEMIC.

I’m going to go back to doing the same shit I’ve done successfully for over 4.543 billion years, jerkwads. In the meantime, get your own fucking house in order and stop talking shit. You wanna bully a month for not ending the pandemic? Go pick on September, fuckfaces.