Dear Residents,

It’s been just over a year since Arya Stark killed the Night King, which while ultimately beneficial for our property values, left us with quite the corpse abatement issue! We all know that type of specialized cleanup ain’t cheap. Fortunately, thanks to the marketing savvy of our beloved Sansa Stark, Queen of the North, Winterfell has rebuilt our reputation as the most desirable and upscale gated realm in all the Seven Kingdoms.

Sadly, we’ve noticed an increase in infractions lately. We don’t want our beautiful community to turn into a dump like the Iron Islands! Let’s all remember to do our part to uphold the beautiful new brand our Queen made possible by taking a knee and following the HOA bylaws.

Landscaping, Fencing, & General Appearance of Yard

  • Winter may be coming, but your yard shouldn’t look like it’s here permanently. Whether you choose lichen or moss for your front yard, keep it watered and weeded. All front yards must have a non-sentient weirwood tree with an appropriately stoic expression. The HOA can assist in subcontracting the Children of the Forest to carve an approved face.
  • Due to a recent unseemly dispute over a public executioner election, political lawn signs are no longer permitted. Likewise, no decorative flamingos, gnomes, or heads on pikes. Signet flags are limited to one per home, and must be pre-approved by the HOA. NO LANNISTER LIONS!
  • While we sympathize with the urge to savor one’s victories, do not surround your home with discarded weapons. That sort of thing just looks trashy! Additionally any meat butchering, pelt tanning, or sunbathing should be conducted in your backyard.
  • Fencing may be no taller than 10 feet. Remember, this isn’t The Wall!

Painting & Maintenance

  • We know it’s tempting to come home from a sword fight and get to work painting the house with the blood of your enemies. But don’t. All dwellings, shacks, sheds, stables, and lean-tos must be painted in one of our pre-selected Sansa by Behr Paint earth tone shades. Failure to do so will either result in your having to repaint everything in a color of the HOA’s choice or in your death, depending on how offensive we found your color.
  • Snow must be shoveled promptly! The ski resorts outside town are for play; your sidewalks are not. To keep our community safe, snow removal may not be performed with commercial plows or dragons.

Sanitation

  • Trash, recycling, and chamber pot pick-up is on Tuesdays. Have receptacles on the curb by 6am. No carcasses larger than a tall cow. Failure to bag your trash will result in you being sent to the Night’s Watch. Remember: Put it in a sack, or you’ll take the black!

Community Enjoyment

  • This is a family realm, so we strictly enforce quiet time. No beheadings, battling, or drunken carousing after 10 PM or before 5 AM! Residents found in noncompliance will receive two hours naked in the town square being shouted at by the Shame Nun, who the HOA now keeps on retainer. She has been instructed to ring her bell directly into the violator’s face.
  • Pets are welcome! But, please pick up after your beasts. No one wants direwolf droppings in their front yard. Any barking, howling, or unearthly guttural noise that occurs after our 10pm quiet time cutoff will be reported to the Night’s Watch. Owners and pets will be conscripted and sent to The Wall immediately and permanently.

Parking

  • Hitching posts may hold no more than six horses or one mammoth. Unless you have expressed written permission, animals hitched overnight will become property of the HOA. Winterfell is a welcoming community, so always keep a full trough!

Complaints & Remedies

  • Unless specifically addressed in the by-laws, punishment for your first infraction is a sternly worded letter. Your second infraction will result in a public beheading. Your third infraction will result in the reanimation of your corpse by Dark Magick followed by legal action in small claims court.
  • If you disagree with an HOA violation notice, you may send a regulation raven (no crows) to the board with a written application (written in the Common Tongue) for a reasonable exception. For example, we understand that some visitors from King’s Landing are still struggling with complications from smoke inhalation and may need special accommodations.

Annual Community Event

  • The town potluck and BBQ is now held every year on the anniversary of King Bran’s coronation. We invite the Wildlings, who always bring their famous mushroom and squirrel chili. Queen Sansa mixes up a huge batch of the Stark family potato salad, and Jon Snow participates in the bachelor auction, even though everyone knows it’s a bait and switch with no substantive payoff. It’s just a lot of wholesome fun! Don’t miss it! (Seriously, do not miss it unless you want two hours with the Shame Nun.)

We love living in Winterfell! Just follow the HOA by-laws and you’ll have a home—and a head—for many happy years to come!


And now a quick joke...

The closest I’ve ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.