I have the overwhelming urge to preface this with the fact that I have never cheated on any significant other I've had. Actually, I've never cheated on an insignificant other, nor any woman that had any right to think we were exclusive. I've also never been cheated on, to my knowledge. I have, however, spent more than a few nights being the “other guy,” and I have learned a few things about women during these illicit trysts. It all comes from some of the worst pillow talk ever, but I have this overwhelming urge to share such insider information with the masses.

Barring the influence of Rohypnol or chloroform, or revenge for you cheating on her/treating her like shit, Lifetime Channel movie style (with fists and verbal abuse), there are only four reasons a woman will cheat. Yes, four. The details of each may be a bit different for each person, but overall, the reasoning for women looking outside any relationship falls into four general categories.

“What are they?” you ask? Well, I may have made a list just for you.

1. You aren't there enough.

Guy dressed in Call of Duty outfit at kitchen table alone
It's not what you did, but how much of it you did instead of her.
I know it's a dick thing to say, but some of my best wingmen have been asshole boyfriends. Often, you just aren't there nearly enough, and they are craving some attention. Even if you are around, the time you spend together isn't anything exciting. If you have said more than 4 times in a week that your plans can wait until you “finish this mission” in Call of Duty, you're already putting points on my scoreboard.

Sometimes, just a guy that's willing to devote a half hour of their attention just to her and what she has to say is enough to get you cuckolded. Hearing someone ask her about what matters to her, tell her that what she likes is interesting, and show a genuine interest in what she is passionate about can send her head reeling. A genuine conversation is by far a better way to flirt than some shitty line you saw in an indie movie. Usually, the “other guy” she's talking to has no idea she's in a relationship, and may not even be thinking about trying to hook up, just to hang out and enjoy the shindig. However, once it seems like an opportunity has arisen, well sir, you just lost your woman for the night.

2. You're there too much.

Guy bringing surprise flowers to his girlfriend
Even roses start to smell like poo-poo-poo.
You're probably a sweet, caring guy. One of the few left in the world, actually. However, you didn't have a lot of deep relationships, so something as significant as what you have now makes you feel like you just found Wonka's last golden ticket.

You don't want to fuck this up, so you make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and like being around her. The unexpected flowers were sweet, the tight hugs made her feel warm and fuzzy, and the compliments made her blush.

For the first few weeks.

But shit, son, she just needs a little space. You don't have to share every goddamned meal with her, you don't have to go to every party she goes to, and sometimes she just wants to hang out with people that aren't you. Smothering her like she's some unwanted baby isn't going to keep her close. Actually, it'll make her go out and meet someone who won't do that.

It'll probably be some fairly sarcastic ass-hat chugging Iron City Light and claiming to be a better carpenter than Jesus, since Jesus had to beg for money, and this guy can actually find work. The twelve calls and texts will make her irritated, the case of St. Ides someone bought to share for people who are underage will make him seem more alluring, and congrats, she's not coming home tonight, and she turned her phone off so that she isn't reminded of what she is doing. Don't worry, she'll honestly feel guilty about it, but you can't change the past.

3. She's just a flat out whore.

Girl nip slip dancing at a club with a guy
She went behind your back, he went behind hers.
I won't say this one isn't still partially your fault, but sometimes a woman is a filthy, filthy floozy. You should have known this, since she looked you in the eye the first time the two of you were ever intimate and told you to stick it in her butt.

Her sexual appetite and need for attention may spawn from a childhood eating disorder, or a lack of daddy's attention, or maybe she merely discovered she really loves dick. Regardless, you had the full knowledge and understanding that riding dudes and chugging baby gravy are two of her favorite pastimes. And you, who actually wants to focus on irrelevant shit like “classes” and “work” and “your future,” never stopped to think about what she was doing the four nights of the week she wasn't banging you.

The answer is other people. This really shouldn't surprise you, since she was probably dating some other dude when you first hooked up with her. If you knew, then you have no right to be even remotely surprised. I mean, if you yourself were the “other guy” she cheated on someone else with, what is so special about you that makes you think it wouldn't happen again?

If you didn't know, then this may have blindsided you, but there were always signs. Nights she didn't answer your phone calls, times she wouldn't look you in the eye (she probably didn't want you to see Kyle's semen stains on her face), or maybe it was that day she came home smelling of Axe Body Spray and spermicidal lube. If she was that much of a hussy, and you ignored all these signs, then it probably isn't the first time she cheated, and if you think she'll change, then I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but it won't be the last time, either.

4. The relationship is already over.

Bored couple at a restaurant
She's got a case of wandering eye, and it's not a vision problem.
It may not be official yet, but she at least knows it's not working, and never will. You may or may not have any idea you are about to be single, but whether you know it or not is irrelevant. It may take another month or five, but eventually, the end of your relationship will be official. Maybe you're stuck in a lease together and neither of you can afford to move out. Maybe she's still comfortable with you, but hasn't been in love with you for a while now. Either way, she's probably looking for greener pastures, or just embittered because her prime years were wasted on you and wants to know she's still got it.

The “other guy” really isn't wrecking a home, more just kicking down the tattered drywall that's left. More often than not, she isn't trying to hurt you; she's either just planning ahead or starting the transition to the single life early. Either that, or she feels it's easier to cheat and end the relationship on a sour note than to stay around and be trapped in an already broken relationship.

Out of the four, you should take this one the least personally. It is genuinely not your fault, assuming she hadn't voiced any opinions on why something was wrong, which you ignored (if you didn't try to work on what's wrong, then it's at least a bit your fault). There may have been signs that you missed, but overall it was unavoidable. Even if you knew the signs, the two of you were unsalvageable. It's over, and you can go your separate ways. The “other guy” is really just expediting the inevitable, for which you should thank him. Now you don't have to buy her any more shit to get her to give you that half-hearted smile.