We noticed that you responded “Krista Anderson” as “your childhood best friend.” To confirm your identity as part of our multi-step authentication, please answer the following questions:

1. When did you and Krista become friends?

On the first day of kindergarten. We sat next to each other during Circle Time.


2. What other significant relationships did you forge around that time?

I played with a few other kids, but Krista was my closest friend by far.

INCOMPLETE ANSWER. Three days after that fateful Circle Time, you “married” Krista’s crush, Tommy Plesker, and pressured Krista into officiating.

3. What did you and Krista do for fun around, say, fourth or fifth grade?

We loved making miniature apple pies using Krista’s Easy Bake Oven.

PARTIALLY CORRECT. Krista baked you apple pies in her Easy Bake Oven while you flirted with her older brother in the TV room.

4. Friendships involve give and take. Did you and Krista share your belongings with one another?

Yes! We shared a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper throughout middle school. Those things were rad!

PARTIALLY CORRECT. Trapper Keepers were rad. However, Krista never “shared” one with you. You stole hers, then passed around all the pages where she had practiced her cursive signature as “Mrs. Tommy Plesker.”

5. Were you and Krista connected by a bond of trust?


COMPLETELY, PROFOUNDLY INCORRECT. You once bet Krista she couldn’t roll a penny from her forehead to her chin without lifting it, but you had colored the edge of the coin with a #2 Dixon Ticonderoga. She got lead all over her face. Then Tommy Plesker nicknamed her the “Tin Woman.”

6. How did academics factor into your relationship with Krista?

Krista was my brilliant friend—or was I hers?—but her family insisted she work in her father’s cobbler shop instead of pursuing her education. Meanwhile, I went on to pursue higher education and rubbed shoulders with many of Italy’s most esteemed intellectuals.


7. Who was your first kiss, then off-again on-again secret makeout partner, despite knowing it would be very, very hurtful to your alleged best friend?

What counts as–

You’re dodging the question again. It was the same guy Krista pined for throughout elementary, middle, and high school: Tommy Plesker.

8. Who was your first boyfriend? Hint: someone Krista had repeatedly asked you to stay away from because it violated her personal boundaries.

I don’t really remember his–

LIES! It was Krista’s brother, and you damn well know it!

9. Where did you lose your virginity in a threesome with Tommy Plesker and Krista’s brother?

Are follow-up security questions usually this specific?

You’re not the one asking the questions around here. The correct answer is: On Krista’s formerly immaculate white daybed while she was in the kitchen editing the AP English essay of someone who claimed to be her best friend, but was actually a two-faced brother-diddling crush-stealing traitor.

You have attempted to exit the browser. That is not possible at this time. First, read your results:

You have failed the authentication process. Your answers were complete fabrications.

And I should know.

That’s right: it’s me, Krista. As you’ve probably surmised by now, I was NOT your childhood best friend. How dare you invoke my memory in the name of “security” when the shit that went down between us has left me with a yawning chasm of insecurities?

I’ve compensated by working my way up through a successful IT career in internet security.

And I’ve got some bad news, “friend”: I’ve recently been promoted to the position “person in charge of all internet password security questions.” We’ve come a long way since the flimsy velcro security of the Trapper Keeper. Effective immediately, you’re locked out of all your password-protected sites. Yes, even AppleTV+. You’ll never find out what happens to the AFC Richmond gang on Ted Lasso, season 3.

Oh, and I married Tommy Plesker—then quickly left him. Did you know that his dad, Bob Plesker, is Bob of Bob’s Red Mill Natural Foods? The divorce settlement left me with riches beyond compare, plus a lifetime supply of gluten-free flour and oat groats.

And I hired a personal chef, who uses them to bake me all the apple pies I could ever want in my $5,000 collector’s edition vintage Easy Bake Oven.