Much like their non-fictional counterparts, fictional schools have been hard at work formulating arbitrary and baseless action plans to prepare for students to return to campus this fall amid the COVID-19 pandemic.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

This year the Sorting Hat will be disinfected between each sorting. House elves are being trained in advanced cleaning techniques to ensure a virus-free learning environment. In an effort to slow the spread of the Virus Who Must Not Be Named, Madam Pomfrey and Professor Snape are working in tandem to create a vaccine potion. A new mandate will penalize ghosts for passing directly through people. Plucky bands of friends are asked to refrain from undertaking any thrilling adventures that would force them to break quarantine. The 2020 Quidditch season has been canceled.

Raphael’s School of Athens

While we understand the need to maintain the dimensionally accurate perspective lines and vanishing point for which our school is renowned, the School of Athens will be enforcing strict social distancing policies this fall. Our new policies will revive classical era reason rather than the stupidity and scientific skepticism that rules the present. Plato will be required to condescend to Aristotle from the CDC-recommended six feet away. Togas are to be drawn up about the face to mitigate the spread of disease and to curb boring philosophy chatter. For those with further questions (looking at you here, Socrates), please refer to our FAQ page.

School of Hard Knocks

Beginning this fall, all tough-love conversations will be conducted from six feet apart rather than inches from one another’s very serious faces. Early 2000’s-era saggy jeans are to be pulled up over the nose and used as face masks. Flat brim hats worn over the nose and mouth at an irreverent angle are also acceptable PPE. And if compelled to scream anything along the lines of, “What, you think you’re better than me?!” in somebody else’s face, please do so via burner phone. Our celebrated, annual panel discussion (this year entitled ‘The Streets Were My Classroom: Journeys From Fisticuffs to Cufflinks’ and hosted by Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube, and Danny Trejo) has been rescheduled for the spring semester.

School of Fish

We realize that the proceeding guidelines for fall 2020 will appear to fly directly in the face of our evolutionary biology. However, we feel it is important that all fish swim at least one fathom apart from one another. We cannot—I repeat cannot-–risk the public relations nightmare that bats are dealing with at the moment. Should you come in contact with someone who has contracted the coronavirus, we ask that you self-isolate for fourteen days in a fish bowl.

Magic School Bus

Miss Frizzle has been advised to limit the number of students she takes onto her bus and has been specifically directed not to shrink her class down to the size of a white blood cell to track the coronavirus herself. Additionally, it has been suggested that her dress featuring a meticulously detailed embroidery of the viral genome might be a tad inappropriate given the gravity of the situation. Finally, as Miss Frizzle’s pet chameleon (alias “Liz”) has been determined to have been purchased from a Chinatown wet market, the offending reptile has been placed under quarantine.

Ridgemont High

All “fast times” have been canceled for the foreseeable future. Students are advised to cut class and hotbox their vans from home until the curve has been adequately flattened. And no, Spicoli, you will not get a “cool buzz” by drinking the hand sanitizer.

Enfield Tennis Academy (Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace)

The Enfield Tennis Academy will be following the strict guidelines put forth by the notoriously hygienic administration of President Johnny Gentle, Famous Crooner. Students are advised to follow Madame Psychosis’s example, wearing a face mask whether they have been horrifically scarred by acid or not. Also, the bubble that covers our tennis courts in the winter will be inflated year-round, and will be used as a quarantine site for all infected students. All Quebecois separatists will be required to quarantine for two weeks before the start of school.

High School Musical

This year we will be taking a hybrid approach to classes—that is, students will be expected to attend classes in-person while all tween drama will be completed remotely. Also, as spontaneously breaking into song and choreographed dance has been shown to spread the virus—as has basketball—Troy Bolton has been asked to quarantine at home along with his woefully unenlightened basketball coach father (who, let’s face it, probably voted for Trump and gets all his pandemic-related news from Joe Rogan). However, look forward to Zac Efron’s new something or other on Quibi!

The Milford School (Arrested Development)

The school’s mission remains the same in these trying times: be neither seen nor heard. In this case, that means leaving yourself muted and turning off video capability on all ZOOM calls. Obviously, socializing in large groups has never played a significant role in the Milford curriculum. With the cooperation of the student body, we hope to continue to hear our cherished praise ring out: “You can always tell a Milford man.”

The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too

What is this, a pandemic for ants? These testing sites have to be at least three times bigger than this!

Trump University

The virus is a hoax. Masks are a deep-state conspiracy. Dr. Fauci is colluding with George Soros and AOC in a desperate ploy to sink Trump’s ratings, which are perfect. Ignore science so we can open the economy. GOYA beans for some reason. Put sunshine and household chemicals inside your body on your way in and out of the classroom. Open all the schools; all that we need to do to beat this virus is pretend it’s not there. Shamelessly flout your personal responsibility.


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