By contributing writer Madeline Helen

Lately, I’ve noticed a dramatic rise in the number of pictures of male genitalia sent to me via email and text message. Now, I am certainly not opposed to free porn—in fact, a couple of friends have suggested I may be addicted to it—but I do think it’s reached the point of laying down a few ground rules. If you are that guy, please observe these small gestures of dick pic decorum, hence forth.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

I took an informal poll on the subject and the results prove that it has not, in human history, motivated a woman to get into her car and drive to you, just to see your raging member in person. If you happen to be proud of the goods, just feel like sharing, or are piss drunk, go right on with your bad self.

2. Be of at Least Average Length and Girth

This does not mean if the lighting and camera angle is just right. If you feel comfortable enough sending the dick pic, there is a possibility that she may actually see the monster some day. (Dick pic guys often cross over to whip-it-out guys.) False advertising is not appropriate. She will laugh and tell her friends. (Sorry, Mike, it had to be done.)

Trust me, no one is erecting a statue in honor of your penis.

3. Know the Girl

At least be sure she knows your name before you’re flashing your man meat and hitting send. There’s nothing more disturbing than receiving a cock shot from a total stranger. The state police do not allow restraining orders if your face is not in the picture; don’t ask me how I know.

4. Determine Her Sexual Preference

Ideally, you want the dick pic to go to a heterosexual, or at least bi-sexual, woman. I give some credit to the over-achievers who think they can convince them to switch teams. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it just isn’t going to motivate our lesbian friends to give up the tongue they’ve come to know and love. (Sorry, Joe, someone had to break it to you.)

5. Do Not Anticipate Reciprocation

If you have some freakishly enormous penis, happen to know for a fact that she’s drunk or a slut of monumental proportions, or already subscribe to her web cam, you can remain hopeful. Barring these options, chances are slim that she’s spreading her legs and clicking immediately after receipt of your oh-so-gracious gift.

6. Be Creative

If you choose to be so brazen, make your cock stand out. We get a lot of these fellas, so make it special. Don’t just be another erection, dress it up a little. Make your love salami convey the very essence of you. If you’re the hip-hop guy, add a little bling. The country boy, put a cowboy hat on it… or better yet lasso that bad boy! Feeling a little punk today? Spike your pubic hair! Have fun with it!

7. Make It Count

Digital technology allows you to try multiple shots before deciding on one. Please choose before sending them on. I really haven’t the time to review your proofs for you. I may have mentioned… I receive a lot of these.

8. Don’t Let Your Organ be a Stalker

It’s a bold move sending the dick pic, and if you are daring enough to do so, you have to be prepared for the worst: no response whatsoever. Some of you, I’ve found, assume that technology has failed you, and continue to send more and more pics. This is unwise. Sometimes saying nothing is better than hearing what we’re really thinking. Believe it or not, it may not be flattering. If you must make assumptions to keep your fragile little ego from jumping off the proverbial ledge, assume we jumped in the car to drive over and give you the most mind blowing head of your life, but died in a tragic accident and now lie comatose in the ditch. You’ll fart and fall asleep right after you jack off, and everyone will be happy.

9. Be Original

Do not send the same image of your dong to multiple women. Women talk, much like men, except we tell the truth. If you send the same pic to a friend or acquaintance and we compare notes (we will), you may as well turn in your penis. You will not be getting any pussy for a very long time. Not just from us—it will be advertised in newspapers, via the internet, on public bulletin boards, and through our emergency phone list. The Public Broadcasting System will be activated and the Bat Signal will go out.

The one exception to all the rules lies in the “been there, done that” category. If we have already been up close and personal with your cock (excluding drunken one-night-stands and post-roofie experiences) and seemed to enjoy it, you may send all the dick pics you’d like. In fact, a little erotic note to accompany them is a nice touch. Our reaction changes dramatically after we’ve experienced your love gun first hand. Besides, having your porn delivered is just so much more efficient!