I definitely wake up bright and early, to a chorus of birdsong just outside my window, definitely not to the screeching, scraping noise of the garbage truck, because I live in a cheap as fuck apartment in Little Armenia.

While still in bed, I start my day with twenty minutes of mindful meditation practice. I definitely am really good at meditation and even better at taking time for self-care. The twenty minutes fly by, and I’m left with a clear mind and a full heart.

I definitely don’t lay in bed motionless, hovering between sleep and wakefulness, until finally my hungry cat comes and scream-meows in my face. She knows she doesn’t get fed until ten o’clock and is definitely extremely respectful of that timeline.

I definitely don’t make a very undignified “mrrph” sound as I drag myself out of bed.

I brush my teeth for the full recommended three minutes, brushing in gentle circles as my dentist instructed and definitely not scrubbing haphazardly on only one side of my mouth.

I definitely wash my face. Definitely.

I definitely don’t make a beeline for the coffee pot as though it’s an oxygen tank and I’m a depleted Everest hiker. I have a very healthy relationship with caffeine and don’t depend on it at all to function.

I definitely don’t use the coffee to wash down an anti-depressant, because my brain definitely manufactures serotonin at an extremely regular level. My brain works great!

I eat a light breakfast of poached eggs and whole grain toast, with a glass of freshly made green juice from the Vitamix that I definitely can afford. Yup, I definitely eat breakfast.

I definitely put on a bra and real clothes right away. Definitely. That’s a definite yes on the bra.

I sit down at my desk, a real desk, which is definitely not covered in a clothes pile so thick you can’t even see the writing surface. I handwrite three exquisitely composed morning pages, filled with wit, wisdom, and clever turns of phrase that could one day be the inspiration for the next great American novel.

I definitely write… something.

I definitely do not spend three hours playing Animal Crossing instead.

I then turn to my email inbox, which is definitely not so disorganized that looking at it fills me with fear and anxiety. I definitely don’t have to peek through my fingers to check it like I’m watching a scary scene in a horror movie. I definitely clear out any junk and easily return it to inbox zero.

Again, I’m definitely sitting at a desk while all this is happening, and not hunched over my laptop on my bed, giving myself horrible posture and back pain.

I definitely open a new document and begin a stream of flawless writing that flows out of me effortlessly, with zero typos or grammatical errors. Before I know it, I’ve composed a hilarious and heartfelt screenplay that redefines comedy as we know it. I close my laptop, a job well done, feeling a deep sense of satisfaction. I definitely don’t have a hole in my soul that no amount of productivity will ever fill.

I definitely don’t read Twitter compulsively until I give myself a migraine and am so disgusted with the bleak state of the world that writing feels like a pointless joke with no punchline.

I definitely don’t say fuck it to everything and take an edible and crawl back into bed for a nap by 1:30 PM.