Dear Mr. Trump,

Thank you for submitting your work to our publishing house.

While it is unusual for a publisher to review such a voluminous and eclectic glut of submissions from a single author, we have made an exception for a man of your stature, self-image and verbosity. We do appreciate the gold-foiled trims on all of your envelopes, the embossed gold thermographic writing, and the bar of pure gold. As a policy, we cannot accepts bribes; however, a gilded New Year's present seems perfectly within reason.

Regarding your autobiography, “The Real Mr. T: I Pity the Fool Who Wears Gold-Plated,” this was a hard one for us. While you are indeed the President of the United States, and it would be an honor to publish your tome, we had a hard time with the brevity of your text. “I alone can fix everything!” followed by 972 different Donald Trump signatures with a Post-It attached asking which one we liked best didn’t feel quite substantive enough for our in-house readers. Perhaps we can include your work in our compilation calendar, “The Autograph: John Hancock’s John Hancock and Other Extremely Important Signatures“—we all agree that number 666 is your best!

Regarding your cookbook, “10 Easy Meals You Can Make in Under 10 Minutes and Still Give Your Wife a Bite Without Making Her Fat,” again this one is, unfortunately, a pass. While we always appreciate a new spin on things, we felt it is a slippery slope with the bite. One bite leads to another, and then another, and before you know it, your wife has engaged in nonconsensual eating. The repercussions of this cannot be underestimated. Perhaps your campaign platform said it best: “Regretful, bloated women can be very nasty.”

Regarding your science-fiction novel “The Tower of Turncoats,” you did a very good job depicting the dystopian society in which traitors are forced into a mountainous human pyramid where everyone must hum. It is alternative energy at its finest (not that we need it, though…). You are a high-level thinker, and we appreciate your unending ability to create alternate realities. However, again, this one is a pass for us. It’s old-fashioned possibly, but our published works of fiction generally have a beginning, a middle and an end. This one just felt like The End.

Lastly, regarding your children’s book, “F is for Foot Massage,” we will, regrettably, have to pass. We did appreciate your egalitarian approach to this one, especially how in “B is for Bully” you drew a picture of a small Asian fellow with a funny haircut—we agree that bullies come in all shapes and sizes!  However, we felt like “J is for Jiant Wall We’ll Get Them to Pay For” was a little aggressive for pre-school readers. Toddlers are still in the midst of their education on conflict resolution and teamwork; we give them until about 6th grade to realize the absolute futility of those endeavors. Would you consider a re-write for our middle-grade list?

Again, Mr. President, we thank you for thinking of us, and wish you the best of luck finding a home for your plentiful work with another publisher.

Every Single One of Us at Lunacy Press