Dear Hollywood Executives,
As residents of Mars, we the Martian people are franky disappointed and displeased with the current representation of extraterrestrial beings in the television and film industry. Recently, our Representation Committee stumbled upon War of the Worlds, where Martians are depicted as blood-thirsty and monstrous conquerors. This unfair misrepresentation of Martians in Earthan media needs to be addressed.
For those who are unaware, Martians are a group of beings just like humans on Earth. Essentially, we are a people in the same way that you are a people. Like you humans consume alcohol in an attempt to copulate, Martians intake rust at our own social gatherings. We're just like you.
Therefore, we do not appreciate it when your media depicts us as violent monsters that slaughter every single person in sight in an attempt to conquer your planet. To be honest, if we wanted to take over Earth, we would have done it centuries ago, but your planet does not fit the specifications for Martian living. We might look into your planet for vacation spots, but that would potentially be a business arrangement between our two species.
It is egregious and offensive when you represent all of my people as these evil tentacle-wielding beings. For your information, we are actually humanoids that have legs and arms. Personally, I am a father of two twin Martian boys. They currently attend what you would call “kindergarten.” My son, Huryo, is currently taking up the flazu; it is a Martian instrument similar to a recorder.
Imagine if we depicted all of humanity as tiny, pink, whiners with aggressive tendencies. Your species would not appreciate this behavior. Therefore, we kindly ask you to return us this favor.
One of the major tenets of Martian civilization is second chances; we believe in you and hope you will evolve from this outdated practice full of disgusting discrimination. Below, we have listed a few examples of films and television shows that exemplify this horrid behavior:
Alien — This Ridley Scott film depicts us with tentacles and sharp teeth. Imagine if we depicted all humans as sharks.
ET — In this Steven Spielberg classic, the extraterrestrial is saved through the human boy. Extraterrestrials have the ability to be independent and therefore, we do not want to be represented as needing a human savior.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind — We do not pilot “saucers” anymore. This practice was discontinued a millennia ago. This primitive assumption is the equivalent of assuming all humans still ride horses even though you have planes, submarines, and jet skis.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — This film exploits and fetishizes extraterrestrial culture in a way that has nothing to do with the plot of the film.
The Thing — We are comfortable in our own skin. Therefore, we do not want to appear like humans. It is insulting to assume that we want to be like you.
Superman — This comic book series stereotypes extraterrestrials as having superhuman strength and the ability to fly. Only one percent of Martians have developed this level of strength and their ability has nothing to do with being Martian and everything to do with hard work and good genes.
Transformers — Not only does this franchise grossly misrepresent us as automobiles, it also exploits extraterrestrial culture for the sake of merchandising and profit. However, we do not receive any income from these sales. Also, how would humanity feel if we described you as switching into an automobile and got rich off of it?
The X-Files — We stopped our practice of abducting humans two centuries ago and are tired of being seen as these predators. We have not kidnapped a human being in over 200 years. Feel free to educate the public on our terrible past mistakes, but do not continuously represent us as being abductors. Current Americans are not depicted as slaughtering Native Americans today.
Thank you for your time and we would love to discuss this problem further if need be. We are open to talking: our motto on Mars roughly translates to, “Conversing not Abducting.” Thanks again and we hope to one day reach a point where Martians may even participate in filmmaking behind the camera or as talent. For now, please reconsider how you view us.
Chairman of the Martian Representation Committee