Anthony Mason: Hi, everyone! Welcome to our gavel-to-gavel coverage of the WPK Convention, coming to you live from the Pyongyang Mind-Controlled Sheep Prohibited from Having Even One Tiny Independent Thought Under Penalty of Certain Instant Death Basketball Arena. By the way, how ‘bout them Mind-Controlled Sheep Prohibited from Having Even One Tiny Independent Thought Under Penalty of Certain Instant Death? They’re sitting in #1 just ahead of the Nampo Jazz. But I’ll leave all that to Bob Costas.
Tension is high here on day 4 of the proceedings. The suspense is palpable even from up here in the booth. Incumbent Kim Jong-un is clinging to a precarious 2,253-vote lead, but faces strong challenges from South Korean Mastery candidate Wii Phun, surprise sensation Deez Shrimp, and Elizabeth Warren. Joining us now are analysts Ben Shapiro and Jimmy Kimmel. We’ll start with Ben. Your thoughts, sir?
Ben Shapiro: My thoughts are this is the most insanely ludicrous staged circus in the history of mankind. The Ringling Brothers would be in awe of the degree of charlatanry being perpetrated on your hapless viewers. The pre-ordained outcome of this patently absurd so-called decision-making process is clear to any sentient being with the rudimentary analytic skills of a mongoloid dung worm. Furthermore…
(Wrestled to ground and removed from studio by CBS security.)
Mason: Oooo-kay. Thank you, Ben. Unfortunately, Ben had to leave a bit early due to an unexpected bar mitzvah. Jimmy, your thoughts?
Jimmy Kimmel: (Cries uncontrollably for 8 solid minutes, then removed by CBS security due to the possibility of electric shock from the sound equipment.)
(Off camera) The puppies! My God! Noooo!!
Mason: The WPK leadership has put together a short film on the life and times of incumbent hopeful Kim Jong-un. Let’s watch.
(Arena lights go down. Film starts.)
Narrator: It all started in a small shrimping village in the poor, monsoon-soaked nether regions of Poombah on the Eastern Coast.
Toothless Old Guy: Jonny was just a good kid. He and his mom would bring corn nuts for the struggling townspeople when the monsoons came. He got good grades; he worked hard on the shrimp boats – as hard as any grown man. And he never neglected his Buddhist Sunday school lessons. Yessir, salt of the earth, that one.
Narrator: Upon graduation from the Pyongyang campus of Teller Training Institute of Korea, young Kim was conscripted into the North Korean National Forest Service, where he served with distinction for two years in the photocopying department of the Marshland Inventory Division.
He then went into public service as a city councilman for four terms before becoming dictator and supreme military commander of North Korea following the death of his father who previously served in that capacity. By all accounts, he’s done a superb job, receiving an A+ rating from the Better Totalitarian Regimes Bureau and 3rd best Yelp rating for “Ruthless Dictators.” Also, Cost Cutters' “Customer of the Month” honors. But he insists his job is not done until he accomplishes one more thing: campaign finance reform.
Kim Jong-un. Man? Or mayonnaise?
(Lights come up. Quick shot of Jimmy Kimmel still crying.)
Mason: Well, okay then. It’s almost time for the province delegations to announce their delegate counts. Let’s go down to the convention floor.
Delegate: Ladies and gentlemen, the great province of Chagang, land of the midnight sun, hog butcher to the world, cultural oasis of the 3rd world, home of the 2nd place Nampo Jazz, voted most likely province to sink below sea level by Best of North Korea for four straight years, tanning bed capital of the Korean peninsula, proudly casts 834 votes for the next president of Korea, Kim Jong-un!
(Crowd cheers wildly. Thousands of balloons and white doves released. Jimmy Kimmel continues crying.)
And two votes for Elizabeth Warren.
(Two shots ring out.)
Um, nevermind that last part.
(Crowd cheers wildly. Thousands more balloons and white doves released. Jimmy Kimmel dabs his face with Kleenex.)
Mason: That almost cinches it for Kim. The next province could put him over the top.
Delegate #2: Ladies and gentlemen, the great province of North Hwanghae, shrimp broker to the world, land of the midnight sun, home of the 4th place Sariwon Lakers, macramé center of the 3rd world, voted second most likely province to sink below sea level by Best of North Korea for 3 straight years, home of Six Flags Over North Hwanghae, proudly casts all of its 703 votes for the next president of Korea, Kim Jong-un!!
(Crowd cheers wildly. Thousands of balloons and white doves released. Jimmy Kimmel declared a national wetland.)
Mason: Well, there you have it! Dictator Kim Jong-un gets the nod for his 8th consecutive run for the highest office in the land. What will happen in the general election is anyone’s guess. But we’ll be right here on election night bringing you the historic events as they unfold.
For all of us at CBS News, annyeong-gaseyo.