April 12th, 1:47 PM

Hey guys!

Won’t mince words here: I’ve got a bit of a beaver situation. Over the winter, a couple of beavers found their way into my garage and sort of claimed it as their own. Not entirely sure what happened, but there are now 17 of them and I can no longer allow this to continue. I’ve arranged a hand-off with a guy looking for some beavers, but he needs me to meet him off the 464 in Norfolk (I’m in Richmond).

This would be for SATURDAY APRIL 24TH. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.


April 12th, 8:03 PM

EDIT: Btw can’t pay you, but will provide you with a new car air freshener. The beavers have a bit of an odor. Not bad, but definitely noticeable.


April 13th,  9:03 AM

EDIT: Yes, I’ve already looked into nature reserves, zoos, and animal control, but this guy in Norfolk made an enticing offer, and nowhere else would accommodate such an unnaturally large beaver colony. Now I just need someone to drive us. My extended family doesn’t want anything to do with the beavers, and all my friends said they’re allergic to marsupials, and when I said beavers aren’t marsupials, they remembered they had jury duty that day anyway.


April 17th, 7:05 PM

EDIT: Wow! So much interest, yet ZERO offers to help. To answer your questions all at once:

I can’t drive the beavers myself because they can’t all comfortably fit in my Camaro and I don’t want to take multiple trips.

I’m not allowed to rent UHauls anymore for reasons that are honestly nobody’s business but mine and that of UHaul’s corporate headquarters.

No, I don’t think they’ve had their shots.


April 18th, 11:55 PM

EDIT: Hey, sorry I was kinda snippy in my last post. Wouldn’t you believe, the beavers chewed through my waterline, the whole block’s flooded, and the President of the Homeowners Association slapped us with a huge fine. Good news is the beavers are so busy building a dam out of my neighbors’ propane tanks that their violent infighting has stopped.

So, just to reiterate—I need a ride for me and 17 beavers. All a little restless, yet grateful for any help you can provide.


April 21st, 6:19 PM

EDIT: All right cyber sleuths, you got me. To address the elephant in the group, yes I did graduate in 2014, but I was unfairly removed from that and other groups after “not following community guidelines.” This shouldn’t change anything.


April 21st, 8:47 PM

EDIT: Just scrolling through the timeline, and it seems like you all are very active on this page, yet openly ignoring my pleas for help with the beavers. I’m really sorry to hear about Professor Quigley—he was the reason I decided to major in history—but he doesn’t need a ride, right? His family has probably arranged something. Whereas I, along with my 17 beavers, are in dire straits.


April 22nd, 5:03 AM
EDIT: Our kids’ babysitter (we had to get a full-time sitter because the beavers require near-constant supervision) just informed me that one of you posted this thread on TikTok, and I’ve since gone “viral.” Somehow, my newfound “clout” still has not resulted in any offers for beaver transport.


April 22nd, 2:19 PM

EDIT: I’ve gotten some inquiries about their dietary restrictions, and to give it to you straight: They’re technically herbivores, but three of our neighbors’ cats are unaccounted for and people are pointing fingers. But honestly, the chance of a beaver making it to the front seat seems pretty low, but if you wanted to hang up some kind of divider for peace of mind, not necessary but not the worst idea.


April 23rd, 9:16 PM

EDIT: Since many of you have been asking: yes, my wife and I seem to have come down with Beaver Fever, a water-bound parasite that our family physician believes we contracted from the flooding caused by the beavers a few days back.

Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to accompany you on the trip, but don’t worry, I’ll be connecting you and Rich (Beaver guy) via WhatsApp. Since I’m contagious, I CANNOT HELP YOU AT ALL. Please come prepared to fish the beavers out of my garage on your own. My address is 908 Primson Ct. Richmond VA 23221, garage code 0000. Please close it behind you as it’s where we’re keeping our wedding silver that’s too nice for everyday use.


April 23rd, 10:02 PM

EDIT: Okay, my wife makes a good point. Maybe bring something to help corral them from the garage to your vehicle. Cat carrier, duffle bag?? Oh! Before you use the bedsheet as a backseat barrier, you could use it as some sort of transportation sack?


April 23rd, 10:11 PM
Can fit at least 4 beavers per trip in a standard queen-sized sheet, just checked.


April 23rd, 11:43 PM

EDIT: One beaver has started frothing (DO NOT GOOGLE FROTHING) at the mouth, but it may not be rabies. It could very well be inbreeding. NOT contagious. My beaver fever is, however.


April 24th, 2:59 AM

EDIT: CAN ANYONE GIVE THESE BEAVERS A RIDE?


April 24, 12:54 PM

EDIT: Hey guys, me again— Look, we’re cutting it pretty close. You’ll really need to be on the road in no more than 30-40min, tops. I know I said I can’t pay you, but I could give you one of the beavers (Frank).


April 24, 1:03 PM

EDIT: Two beavers?


April 24th, 1:12 PM

EDIT: Final offer: you pick up the beavers right now, and I’ll give you two beavers and the keys to my Camaro (yours for the weekend ONLY. Need it back by tomorrow.)


April 24th, 1:45 PM

EDIT: ???????????????


April 24th, 2:17 PM
EDIT: Great. Rich canceled. Is anyone here interested in 18 beavers? (I miscounted before.)

*Facebook User has been removed from group*

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