Dear Students,

Bridgefield High School has officially decided that fall athletics will be cancelled due to the health risk posed by COVID-19. No factors other than public safety were considered in this decision. Sure, our football team has been subpar ever since Brent Bryerson graduated three years ago, but that isn't a concern; some things are simply more important than football, such as public health and no other things.

As you know, we Bridgefield Badgers would never back down from a fight, but the risk of the virus is simply too high to face our rival Portford Jaguars at homecoming again this year. It doesn’t even matter that last year the Jaguars beat us 63-0, made our defensive coordinator shit his pants, literally killed our best lineman, and figuratively killed our kicker (he thinks he’s an owl now).

We know our players will be disappointed, but we have consulted with one of our most illustrious alumni for his expert opinion on the issue—former star wide receiver and current Footlocker employee Brent Bryerson—and he said during his lunch break that we are making the right decision for the program and the community. God, he’s so thoughtful. And muscular. Remember when he returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown in the playoffs in 2016? That was awesome.

We encourage our athletes to take the initiative of exercising regularly while you are in quarantine. Of course, we’d love to have you out there on the field, embarrassing your families and disappointing your community, but we can’t allow that to happen. Because of the virus.

If you are looking for ways to stay in shape, we recommend subscribing to Brent Bryerson’s Youtube exercise channel BrentNBudz (use promo code “HUNKYBRENT” for 15% off on all-new Bryerson Brotein Powder). The channel is full of great workout plans and unintended homoeroticism. Follow the workouts to sculpt your body just like Brent Bryerson. Who wouldn’t want to be just like Brent Bryerson? Remember when Brent Bryerson scored in overtime and celebrated by ripping off his jersey in the middle of the field? He leapt across the grass, his bare chest covered in sweat, his bulging bicep covered in sweat, his shimmering abs covered in sweat. It was great. I miss those days. I miss his sweat.

With regards to next year, we would like to assure our athletes that we will work tirelessly and exhaust every possible option to get you back on the fields, where you will suck so hard you’ll somehow get pregnant. Kind of like Brent Bryerson’s prom date. I wish I was her.

Finally, a word to our seniors, on behalf of the entire Bridgefield community: we are so sorry it had to come to this. We know how much you wanted to score a touchdown this season, or maybe even win a game. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, you’ll never get to make a flailing, embarrassingly futile attempt to achieve that basic goal. That said, we hope to see you in the stands in a few years, when Brent Bryerson’s little brother Kent Bryerson single-handedly wins the championship. He may only be in fifth grade, but his arms are just as thick and sweaty as his brother’s.

As for other scheduling matters, all pep rallies and spirit week festivities will naturally be canceled as well. Also, the homecoming dance will be canceled, but not because nobody could find a date. We really wish we could host the dance, so that all you boys and girls could stand on separate sides of the room aggressively sweating at each other, but the risk of COVID-19 is simply too high. Of course, that never used to be a problem. Back in 2016, Brent Bryerson took 500 girls to the dance and made them all feel special. I guess he is technically “too old,” and suddenly we live in a sad town of celibates. That’s fine. More Brent Bryerson for me.

Sincerely,
Bridgefield Athletic Director Jim Bryerson


And now a quick joke...

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.