Behold! I am Deciden, King of the friend group that can’t make up their goddamn minds! I am ruler the 7 brunch spots, God of all things carpool, defeater of the butthurt crybabies!

QUAKE BEFORE MY AWESOME POWERS OF COMPROMISE!

Okay, so, Charlie doesn’t want to spend a lot of money, Ashley is on Keto even though we told her that’s silly and she looks great, and Dan is just being Dan again…

DECIDEN! WE SHALL FEAST AT THE CUTE FRENCH BISTRO DOWN THE BLOCK!

Is that cool with everyone? Speak now or forever hold your peace. Awesome, cool.

Victory! With the guidance of my forefathers, all total alphas of their respective friend circles, I separate emotion from logic and wield my mighty Trident of Critical Thinking, which is just a normal trident that I use to point at things to emphasize my pronouncements. In this way my flock have learned to follow and respect my objective verdicts. Also they know that I’m the most vocal and can be a real bitch if I don’t get my way—

SUCH IS THE NATURE OF DECIDEN!

Hello, table for four. Alright guys, do we want to sit inside or outside? Charlie’s right, it is a little nippy out here. We have been inside all day, good point Ashley. Shut the fuck up Dan.

HEAR ME! WE SHALL SIT INSIDE BUT BY THE WINDOW!

Once again I have pulled a win-win from the jaws of crippling defeat for I am Deciden! I am a when2meet legend, and my great deeds are spoken of in reverent whispers in Slack channels the world over. I have defeated the Dread King This Place Looks Pretty Crowded What Do You Think?, and saved countless half-planned meetups from utter destruction. With this in mind—

I DEMAND OF YOU—

How are we all feeling about an appetizer? I could go either way, honestly. The poppers sound pretty good. So do the nachos. Hmm. C’mon guys, give me some feedback here. Uh-oh, here comes the waiter.

TREMBLE BEFORE MY POWER!

Eeny, meeny, miney, DECIDEN!

We will have the poppers and we will split its cost, and I’m looking at you when I say that, Dan—

DOUBLE DECIDEN!

Sometimes someone might not get what they want, and that is the cross that I must bear. Heavy is the head that wears the choosy crown. I carry on my shoulders the weight of a thousand souls who would have preferred to catch a movie over checking out that new museum exhibit. I mourn the poor, tired masses that didn’t wear proper footwear for a walk through the park, even though walking through the park was objectively the right decision. These are the thoughts keep me up at night, that my powers may be mistaken for hubris.

Or worse, that I tend to side with Ashley because I like her, which I do, but it doesn’t affect my decisions. They are true neutral, I swear.

Alright, let’s get the check, and before anyone freaks out, I’ll put my card down. Everyone can Venmo me.

And I will take a small loss. As I always do.

Because I am Deciden. And I am your hero.

Illustration by Maddie Fischer

Illustration by Maddie Fischer

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.