It’s February 2nd, which can only mean two things: Groundhog Day and Ayn Rand’s birthday! In accordance with this overlap, you will now be caught in an endless Loop of Capitalism.

You must go to your minimum wage job where you work the register at Cinnabon. No matter what, your manager is not happy with you, and may dock your pay from $7.50 to $4 if the money doesn’t add up at the end of the day. Don’t worry, this will definitely happen. It will happen tomorrow, too, as tomorrow is today, today is yesterday, and it is all February 2nd under the Loop of Capitalism.

You are hereby obligated to have twenty tabs, each with a different Amazon product, open on your computer.

Speaking of buying things, get some stocks. You can’t afford them with your minimum wage job, but you will be told to buy stocks anyway because that’s the only way to get out of your poverty, no doubt caused by laziness, because you could not grasp the rules of Ayn Rand’s objectivism.

Later in this Loop of Capitalism—or earlier in the Loop of Capitalism, depending on how you perceive your lack of time—you can read Atlas Shrugged.

You may want to unionize at your job, but that is now impossible. Any attempts to do this will bounce you to the beginning of your shift at your second job driving for Uber, over and over again. Try it…. Oops! You’re clocking in again, and still no union.

If your Uber rating gets too low because your car broke down on a Route 10 pothole, it’s your fault. It’s not like Route 10 will be fixed anytime soon, because that would require higher taxes. You are permitted by the Loop of Capitalism to pick up a third job to help fix your car, because the Loop of Capitalism will definitely not help with that. It is still Ayn Rand’s birthday after all, so the Loop of Capitalism does not believe in altruism. It believes that it will forever be February 2nd.

At this stage of the Loop of Capitalism, it’s time to go back to work at Cinnabon. But just before doing that sell some of your plasma. You will be stuck selling plasma for all of eternity.

Back at Cinnabon, you are late for your shift, even though time has no meaning, so another hour will be docked from your pay. It’s only fair because you can’t stand upright after giving all that plasma. Don’t even think about going to the doctor, because the Loop of Capitalism does not provide insurance. Any attempts at applying for Medicaid will start you at the beginning of the Loop of Capitalism, which is where you also are now.

You do not have a life outside of work because life does not pay the bills, which this Loop of Capitalism will require you to pay every hour. It’s just a small, under-$100 fee of $99.99. If you cannot afford to pay this fee, the Loop of Capitalism will increase your interest by another twenty percent. It’s only fair that you pay for the Loop of Capitalism to continue, because this is not a communist enterprise.

If you work hard enough, maybe you’ll become a manager, then go to corporate. It’s your responsibility to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Just figure out how to do this easy little move while working your second job at Uber and third job at a debt collection center, where you call other people like you that owe money to the Loop of Capitalism, tomorrow, next year, and all of February 2nd.

If you can’t balance all this and advance in the workforce, you are a failure undeserving of love and Ayn Rand would be so disappointed. Go back to the start of the day. Again and again and again and again. After all, this Loop of Capitalism is meant to teach you a lesson.


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