From the desk of Grand Chairman Foley — For Immediate Release
Dear Members of the one-hundred-and-third Federation Congress,
As you all know, there have been reports of an asteroid that threatens the very civilization we hold dear. If the reports are to be believed, the asteroid will hit the mother world within the week. The good news is that this means it will not hit until after tonight’s Federation Gala, giving us enough time to act appropriately.
Firstly, we must agree on whether this is the jurisdiction of the Space Junk Committee or the Space Debris Committee. Personally, I believe that an asteroid is debris and not junk. However, I am aware that many of you may disagree, which is why we must hold an emergency vote but only after the Federation Gala. While this may seem like an argument of semantics, it will be an important distinction later on, because after impact with the asteroid is avoided we will need to know which committee is going to be honored with a video tribute at next year’s Federation Gala.
We must join the two parties of the Federation. On any other issue, such as the funding of schools or diplomacy with the Arachnids, The Federation is at a stalemate. But, this Grand Chairman believes that the existential nature of this threat will bring us together, even if there are disagreements with how to handle the problem. I, and I know many of you, would appreciate it if all discourse in regards to the asteroid was put off until after The Federation Gala, as we do not want to mar the beauty, purity, and good vibes of the Federation Gala with the ugliness of politics.
Our fellow Federation members are not the only ones who need to be brought into the fold during working and hours and not during a fun event that everyone looks forward to every year. We must also persuade the citizenry, many of whom believe the asteroid to be a hoax propagated by the Arachnids. This is, of course, a lie coming straight from the chairman of the Space Junk Committee’s office. In order to combat the misinformation being spread, my office is working to get me booked on as many interplanetary news streams as possible. To be completely honest, we have run into a bit of a problem, as many of the streams are focused on special coverage of tonight’s Federation Gala, which makes complete sense since it's fun and everyone likes it. But, once the Federation Gala is over I am confident I will be able to talk some sense into the citizenry without the interruption of being asked who I am wearing.
We also have to reach out to our greatest enemy, the Arachnids. The location of their planet, on the outskirts of the system, would be the best place for a forward operating base. Now, we all agree that large spider-like humanoids may not be the best party guests, but through my communications with the Arachnid Queen, I have determined that she is truly a fun spider-like humanoid that may actually be a hit at tonight’s Federation Gala given the chance. That is why I have used my plus-one to invite her. I know I said that tonight shouldn’t be about work, which is why I will take it upon myself and sacrifice having a good time of my own in order to booze and schmooze the Arachnid Queen, sweep her off her eight feet, and convince her to let us use her planet to stop the asteroid.
We’ve all had a tough lunar cycle. I just want to let you all know that you’ve done a great job, and you deserve to cut loose and have fun tonight. But tomorrow we have to get to work… Nursing our hangovers!
Just kidding. Seriously, we have to get to work tomorrow stopping this asteroid. I do not want this Federation Gala to be my last.
Grand Chairman Foley