As we are the first of our species to inspect this planet called Earth, we have sent guides back to our home-world to teach our people how to deal with this planet’s chief threats. The first is babies.

  • Babies wear special under-garments to protect the world from their excretions. At some point, the baby’s paternal and maternal figure will teach it to not let out the excretions in public, but it is best to not do this right away, as this confuses the baby. In later life, some humans need these under-garments again, as their excretions inexplicably become dangerous again.
  • Babies have self-destruct buttons on the back of their heads. Under no circumstances should the button be pressed unless the baby becomes dangerous.
  • Babies are to be fed a foul, clumpy liquid substance made of vegetables or fruits naturally growing on this planet. This will carry on until the baby has grown its external mouth bones, which for some unknown reason do not come pre-installed in the baby. A caveat to this rule is in cases where the baby is being looked after by its paternal figure, the paternal figure will shrug and give the baby grain circles called Cheerios.
  • After the baby is fed, it is crucial that you immediately make it burp, which generally results in the baby orally excreting the majority of what it just ate. As far as this operative can tell, this is to make sure the baby does not consume too much, knows its place, and does not have enough energy to create an uprising.
  • The baby will sleep for two units of time called hours per night. Despite this, human paternal and maternal figures must go lie down and pretend to sleep to attempt to shame the baby for waking them up when it inevitably does so. The baby will cry to alert the larger humans to its awakened state, the paternal figure will then try to trick the maternal figure into going and dealing with the baby.
  • The baby will be grown and incubated inside of the female after the male exercises on top of her and releases his eggs via a front-tail. As far as we can tell, this is the extent of the male’s usefulness in life. Other female creatures on this planet, called spiders, eat the male after copulation. It is suggested this is worked into human habits upon integration with our race as this seems the most efficient and effective use of the male post-copulation.
  • Occasionally, humans will talk in a strange pattern that could be referred to as a melody in an attempt to trick the baby into falling asleep. Preliminary research indicates this is a type of spell that has a high failure rate and only induces increased panic and mania in both paternal and maternal figures forced to listen to the annoying melody.
  • Humans will also speak in one language to other fully-grown members of their race, then revert to another language when speaking to their baby. The language spoken to babies is generally a series of syllables which our translators have failed to comprehend. If forced to speak to a baby, we suggest infiltrators attempt “goo” and “gah” sounds to try to maintain their cover. The purpose of this language has not been discovered, it only seems to delay baby learning patterns. Grown humans are never to be spoken to in this language, as an operative tested this and was met with confusion.
  • Baby’s dangerous functions have not yet been discovered, but it is assumed they are the most powerful beings and will need to be swiftly destroyed if the infiltration becomes a war. The way they are carried, cleaned, and cared for 100% by the much larger grown humans indicates they have some sort of power and must therefore be researched further.
Illustration by Maddie Fischer

Illustration by Maddie Fischer