Alright fellas, now’s our big moment. We’ve been planning this gig for months, and today’s the day we land our biggest score yet. Our whole lives have been leading up to this, and in just a few moments, we’ll be walking into the job that’s gonna set us for life. I know we’ve been over the plan a million times, and everyone knows their parts, but just now I was thinking that maybe you guys could rob the bank, while I wait patiently in the car.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy the intoxicating power and sick thrill of being inside of a bank as much as the next guy, but now that we’re here I feel like I could better contribute to our heist in other ways, like designing the cover art for our “Bank Robbery Trip Mix CD,” or maybe coming up with the name of the true crime podcast they’ll do on us. What do you guys think of “Crime Pals?”

Hey now. Don’t give me that look. We’re still a team, fellas. I’m a valued member of this crew, just as important as everybody else. We wouldn’t be changing our dynamic. Donnie’s the wheelman, Slick’s our boom guy, Ted’s the enforcer, Kat is the girl. I know I was originally going to be the ringleader, but lately I’ve been thinking of moving towards more of a generalist role, kind of taking on miscellaneous odds and ends. I know it’s not glamorous, but someone’s gotta do it, and I’m happy to do it for the good of the crew.

I wouldn’t screw up anything in the car, I swear. I would sit completely motionless, seatbelt securely fastened, hands folded in my lap, staring straight ahead. Or, if you’d like, I could perform some brief car maintenance, provided it didn’t require too much heavy lifting. When was the last time you re-organized your radio station presets Donnie? I don’t know how to do it, but I could probably find a wikiHow article on it that I could forward to you later.

When you think about it, it’s really not much of a change at all. I’d be just as involved as if I were in the bank with you guys. Ted, at the part where you fire your shotgun in the air and scream “everybody get on the fucking ground. Come on, dicks to the dirt you scumbags,” I could hand crank the passenger window down and sorta peep my head out, and say “yeah do it” at a reasonable speaking volume. We’d just have to park close enough to the entrance, and hope the bank’s windows aren’t thick enough to block the sound.

And Kat, this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I know when we set out to do this, we wanted to be just like Bonnie & Clyde, and that hasn’t changed a bit. We’re still just like Bonnie & Clyde, if Clyde had just preferred some Clyde time for a bit, maybe to pursue his other hobbies and interests, like car-sitting. And even if he did do that, it’s not like it changed how much he loved Bonnie, right?

It could be even like our calling card! We’d be a nefarious and dastardly gang of thieves, known across the globe as “The Infamous Crew Where One Guy Is Good Out Here.” It might be too long to be a podcast title, but maybe the listeners could just refer to it as “TICWOGIGOH.”

So we ready? Alright fellas, let’s do it. Rest of the game plan stays the same, so no need to have your guns out now, remember? We don’t take our guns out til we get inside the bank. Fellas?

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