Dwayne Johnson is a hero and an inspiration, and we'd all like to be gently crushed by him.

Across the wide breadth of his film, TV, and wrestling career, there are endless ways Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could lovingly smother you with his giant physique. Here are all the enviable opportunities for him give you a little crumplin’ and rumplin’.


Accidentally, between his massive shoulder blades, while he chuckles “Sorry, didn’t see ya there! There’s not much that I don’t see coming, except for the incredible support from the fans—it truly wowed me.”


Against a workout bench in the Iron Paradise, where you were pretending to be a piece of padding. He laid down to do some bench presses and never even noticed your small squeak as his giant mass obliterated you. After all, he’s only human. But he’s also a god.


In a dream, while you were resting in the warm and humid crook of his elbow. He can’t help that all his sweet nighttime imaginations are of putting John Cena in a choke hold. Nestled in that little crook, it’s like you were asking to be squished between his forearm and his bicep.


Inside his fanny pack, where he put you for safekeeping. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson can’t believe how small you are—how small all lifeforms are compared to him—so he put you in here to keep track of you. The Rock just happened to forget and slap his hand enthusiastically against his hip. He’s jovial, goddammit!


In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you firmly but lovingly into the hand of Rob Corddry. It’s just business, it’s not personal—after all, he is happily married.


During a dramatic moment in Skyscraper, when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson raises his eyebrows at his female co-star as if to say, “After all we’ve been through, you’re ready to give up?” And then he says, dramatically, “After all we’ve been through, you’re ready to give up?” You were combing his eyebrows, and in this moment of tension got folded between the wrinkles in his forehead. But you regret nothing. Haircare is very important to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and he’s bald by choice!

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