I Know We Don’t All See Eye-to-Eye About the Office Cobra
We all know the cobra has been part of our company since its very beginning, back in that little office over the combined schnitzel house and shoe repair.
Tag: Satire
Fellas, I Only Joined the Mafia Under the Assumption There Would Be More Philosophical Monologuing
You all did see my resume, right? I double majored in Philosophy and Theater at Fordham.
An Email to the Adventure Tour Guide Company About My Lost Nalgene
I think the last person to see it was our tour guide, Henrik. Please respond with his phone number. Or Instagram works too.
Peloton Instructor Who Has Clearly Been Reading Too Much Camus
One must imagine Sisyphus nice, warm, ready to sizzle like a fajita. Let's get loose. Let's turn resistance up to 35. Let's make our revolt visible.
Download Our App for Your New Gallbladder
You may have noticed your belly button is blinking blue.
Phishing Emails from Phish
Our van broke down, and we’re asking generous, conventionally attractive fans to help get us back on the road.
After Coming Down the Chimney, I Promise Not to Draw Your Feet While You Sleep
I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past and I’ve Never Haunted You Because Your Life Is Too Boring
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Christmas Card from a Family That Runs a Private Prison Company
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
Before I Move, I Will Finish All of the Condiments in My Fridge
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.
Who Actually Said, “Actually, Gandhi Never Said, ‘Be the Change You Want to See in the World’”?
There is evidence that Festerman did correct people on the Gandhi misattribution but there is no evidence he actually felt better about himself.
A Comprehensive Timeline for When Your Cover Band Should Play “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”
10:24 P.M.: Has that older dude with frosted tips requested “Every Morning” yet? He always does.