I Am the Stain That’s Already Ruined Your Favorite Sweater
The whole restaurant glares as you fling your body away from the table like you’re protecting the commander-in-chief.
Tag: Satire
My February Is Ruined Because This Isn’t a Leap Year
I am not entirely sure why I was so confident that this February would have an extra day.
I’m Stepping Down from My Role of Resharing My Wedding Photos from 2018 on Facebook
It was a tough decision to resign from plugging images looking my most beautiful on the best day of my life, but something I finally felt ready to do.
Let’s Make This Seasonal Depression a Year-Round Thing
I don't want to keep this depression seasonal anymore. I’m ready to be your year-round crisis.
Valentine Preparedness Advisory and Emergency Response Protocol
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
Valentine’s Day Notes from My Severely Color Blind Partner
Life is never blue when I’m with you. P.S. What’s blue?
Currently Seeking Workplace Crush
We are an innovative industry leader that thrives on teamwork, dedication, and low-key sexual energy.
Daily Log of a Recently Sober Pirate Captain Who’s Still Experiencing Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms
7:00 A.M.: Threw away my eye patch. Since I no longer have alcohol-induced optic neuropathy in my left eye I “SEE” no sense in keeping it.
Prop Bet Ideas from Someone Who Got Their Hand Stuck in the Toilet at Last Year’s Super Bowl Party
Will everyone agree that getting your hand stuck in the toilet actually a really common occurrence?
This Is an Ordinary Coffee Shop
The tattoos on our baristas do not rub off with a wet rag and those are actually real live septum piercings. If you don’t believe us, give one a tug.
Interview with an Instagram Poet
Have you ever considered capitalization? NO. i mean
Why Is No One Eating My Awful Potluck Dish?
What should I do? If that dish is untouched at the end of the night they'll link it back to me and never invite me to a potluck again.