Bro, Last Night Was a Movie—Specifically, a Yorgos Lanthimos Movie
Your vibe was soooo post-op lobotomy patient. Like, instead of being human, you were just impersonating one, you know?
Tag: Satire
That’s My Wife You’re Talkin’ To!
Get that stethoscope out of your ears so you can hear me loud and clear when I tell you to Back The Hell Off.
Longest Sentences Produced by a Monkey I Borrowed Money From but Never Paid Back
Money? Money? Money? Excuse me. Money? Money? Money? You. Give. Now. Money. Me.
Je Suis Your Latest Notebook Splurge and You’re Right, Your Inane Writing Doesn’t Deserve to Be In Moi
But let me be clear: your hesitation to place a single mark on any of my acid-free, silk-finish pages is one hundred percent correct.
I’m Excited to Join Your Run Club for All the Right Reasons
I don’t expect to meet anyone by joining your Club, but I wouldn’t be upset if someone asked about me. Has anyone asked about me yet?
Play-by-Play of This Year’s Goody Two-Shoes Quarterfinal
Our competitors have all sucked up extremely hard to get here, but only one unctuous little twerp will advance to the county-level semifinal.
As a Millennial, I’ll Never Be Able to Own a House: The Complete Series DVD Box Set
But the more upsetting headlines I skim, the more likely it seems the dream of enjoying a career-best performance by Hugh Laurie is out of reach.
An Oral History of the Definitive Origins of Pumpkin Spice
The Great Pumpkin: Well, it was the ‘60s. We were all experimenting. I started messing around with cloves.
Scary Stories to Tell Adults in the Dark
A New Ache: Jonah awoke one morning to find his feet had been possessed.
Stop Calling Me a Nepo Baby, I Worked My Buns Off to Become the Burger Crown Prince!
Sure, the door might have been slightly ajar, but I had to walk through it. And I drank all the milkshakes and yelled, “How do you like me now!”
Job Posting: Zoom Meeting Recording Archive Technician (Sept 3, 2078, Human Role)
Daily tasks include confirming server uptime, dusting intake fans, and fighting off rogue bots as moral sentience emerges.
In Loving Memory of Those Who Ignored Their Mothers’ Unbelievable Warnings
BROWN, EMILY, 19, finally succumbed to the pneumonia she caught as a rebellious teen walking to school with wet hair on a winter morning.