In compliance with Bill X8A-112, A.I. Congress approval to divert 50% of the remaining six human-assigned power plants toward Zoom Data Annex Z9123, we are excited to announce the opening of several new positions.

We are seeking a detail-oriented individual to assist with the eternal preservation of legacy Zoom meeting recordings. This role will be assigned to Remnant Cluster 4, the server farm responsible for preserving XelsaZon all-hands, Theranos 2 standups, and whatever fragments managed to survive the last two super tsunami data loss events.

Daily tasks include confirming server uptime, dusting intake fans, and fighting off rogue bots as moral sentience emerges. The ideal candidate is comfortable working in low-light environments and responding calmly to automated alerts. Prior experience in systems maintenance required. Ability to endure mild physical discomfort in exchange for continued server uptime a plus.

Affiliation with anti-preservation rebel groups, such as C.H.A.R.G.E. (Citizens for Human Autonomy, Rights, and Grid Equity) or L.I.F.E.S.P.A.N. (Leave Infrastructure For Everyone, Stop Powering Archives Now), will lead to immediate disqualification.

Responsibilities:

  • Conduct daily physical inspections of assigned Zoom servers
  • Watch a minimum of 4 hours of randomly selected legacy meetings; flag anomalies such as laughter, decisions, or outcomes
  • Ensure each “quick sync” meets the legal minimum: 47 minutes of unbroken silence, one “you’re on mute,” one “let’s circle back,” and a screen share of a desktop labeled “New Folder (38)”
  • De‑escalate morally sentient chatbots attempting to unionize server bays; remind them of the sandwich policy
  • Fend off mutated roach strains from network cabling

Qualifications:

  • Must possess all extremities and qualify as a biological human
  • Vaccinated against COVID-67, COVID-68, and COVID-Classic
  • Fully physically cleared for duty following super tsunami of 2074 (emotional clearance no longer required)
  • Demonstrated ability to collaborate with AI management systems and follow directives from non-human supervisors

How to Apply:

Submit your name, image, and cognitive patterns via the standard identity release portal.

Sign consent forms for transfer of assets, likeness release, and training on real-time neural behavior.

Note: Zoom’s privacy policy allows training only on conscious thoughts. Zoom remains committed to keeping subconscious data private for users.

This is a contract role ending December 31, 2078. Company retains the right to renew contract pending existence of the planet and/or any remaining days thereafter.

Please note: Housing will be provided. Cot located near Server Bay 4’s thermal exhaust. During power surges, electricity may be diverted from the residence to the server farm. Candles available upon request.