Last week, a fabulous new joint on the side of the Lower East West Side Highway asked me to come and try their boundary-pushing new menu. From the team that brought us ORCA BAR and ORCA BAR SISTER BAR RESTAURANT comes SMOOSHI, a delectable cafe with a variety of foods and flavors.

Upon opening the door to the establishment—which had a pull sign instead of a push sign—I was wowed by how yellow the walls were painted. It’s safe to say that I had never seen a color replicate unhealthy piss so accurately. This joint was seriously vibes to the one-millionth degree! I was met at the hostess stand by the owner, Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon, who seated me near a window with a hole in it. After a notably brief interaction that entailed showing Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon my Instagram account in order to verify that I was a reviewer and not a scammer, it was time for me to inspect the seating situation. The table oozed with charm, and also an unidentifiable green substance, which I decided to not ask questions about. The chair had a whoopee cushion, which I found to be novel and also very loud.

After bringing me a refreshing glass of lukewarm water in a tiki jug, Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon shared her favorite items on the menu as well as a list of her least favorite coworkers. Ranking first on her list was the iced cabbage sundae with a tootsie roll reduction. Can you say “yum?” Ranking lowest on her list was the newest cashier, Jordan. Evidently, Jordan had been misusing his lunch breaks to build a computer in the parking lot. I didn’t see an issue with this, so I assured Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon that Jordan probably just had a case of the first-job jitters! It happens to the best of us!

After the initial bite, I decided that I just could not get enough of the corn-stuffed apricot churro topped with ramp mayo and Monterey Five jack cheese. I had no idea it was legal to mix all of those flavors together! I consider myself a student of the world, so it was really cool to learn just how many items it takes to make a dish pure slop.

The second item I tried was the fish-bat stew. Hailing from the Aegean Sea, this new cross-species has become a staple on Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon’s menu. Known for its aquatic taste and scarily crunchy exterior, fish-bat is illegal to cook in almost every country. However, through a loophole that entails a great deal of tax evasion and the strategic placement of nine refrigerators in the breaker room of her local laundromat, Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon is able to deliver quality fish-bat to New Yorkers! The stew was delectable with notes of pepper and pollen. I can’t feel my tongue now and I am better off for it!

To close out the meal, I just had to try Mary-Ellen’s signature Cake Fruit, which is a hilarious take on the traditional fruitcake, which is normally inedible. In this sweet dessert escape, Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon challenges the limits of what cake can and should be by deceptively making a dessert that looks like fruit. To the untrained eye, the dish radiates the same tepid energy of a fruit salad, but once you take that first bite, you are met with the unmistakable taste of balled-up cake. You’ll want to put a photo of this dish on Threads immediately and tag Mark Zuckerberg himself!

I’ll surely return back to SMOOSHI soon to try the remainder of the menu, which is written using a logographic language that only Mary-Ellen Swan-Loon knows. It’s safe to say that SMOOSHI successfully achieves a two-bird-one-woman vibe with a vivacious menu and items that are free if you DM the Instagram account politely. I can’t wait to try more places soon, even if their menu falls flat for me, or uses dangerous ingredients! See you next time!