It’s a beautiful morning here at McKinley Middle School, and the goody two-shoes are ready for an intense day of rule-following, courtesy, sanctimony, overachieving, and world-class good behavior. Our four competitors, the very straightest arrows the district has to offer, have all sucked up extremely hard to get here, but only one of these unctuous little twerps will advance to the county-level semifinal after today’s contest.

There’s the first-period bell. Seventh grader Andrew Thimples opens strong by reminding Mrs. Alger about the assigned reading. He follows up with an offer to lend one of his four spare copies of Where the Red Fern Grows to anybody who forgot theirs at home. Thimples was of course the favorite coming into the school year before that unfortunate fingernail injury he sustained while teaching basketry at the rest home back in late August. Some feel he’s been playing too cautiously since the setback, but he’s off to a flying start here today.

Let’s check in on Laurence “Larry the Square” Heepowitz in second-period Spanish. There’s been a lot of buzz around the Square this season; at plus two hundred odds, Vegas likes him to take home the hardware in this year’s spelling bee. For those of you who missed the headlines, Heepowitz at age ten is now just one merit badge away from achieving the rank of Eagle Scout. Certainly, he is a great goody two-shoes in the making, although you look at his game, he really plays more like an egghead or a poindexter than your traditional toady. And he’s performed well in these playoffs so far; last week he clinched his second career quarterfinal berth by deftly refusing an invitation to a bonfire where he suspected several fire ordinance violations and insufficient parental supervision.

Let’s see what he does here.

It looks like Heepowitz is about to politely remind a classmate to dispose of his empty water bottle in the recycling bin next time rather than in the regular trash bin. There he goes–

Oh, but goody two-shoes Mithuna Marasini reads the play and beats Heepowitz to the punch! A veteran move by Marasini!

Before the game, we heard Marasini talk about how she prepared for these playoffs by volunteering to feed the stray cats at the Daughters of Charity’s orphanage for the blind while the Mother Superior recovered from her hip replacement. No doubt, Marasini has made volunteer work a signature part of her game throughout her brilliant career, but she said she’s looking to play more aggressively today. So far, it’s paying off.

We’re approaching lunchtime. Rookie hall monitor Wendy “The Eager Beaver” Blattner dutifully surveys the busy corridors. As a dark horse, you have to imagine Blattner is playing with a chip on her shoulder, although she’s had a quiet day so far. Give her credit, though; we’ve seen a lot of rookie goody two-shoes get impatient and force the issue, only to end up blundering, like Len Bromley in the terrible Robotics Club Incident of 2024. (We were all very glad, by the way, to hear about Mr. Foreman regaining consciousness last month.) But Blattner is sticking to her game plan, just as she and her coaching staff have discussed all week.

Uh-oh. Here come two boys running down the hall. Blattner pursues. She’s holding up her hand, blowing her police whistle. She gets in front of the boys and is trampled. Blattner is down. This young lady is so skilled at drawing contact. Now the boys are halted by Vice Principal Gershwin and given detention. Here comes Blattner. She’s back on her feet, negotiating with Vice Principal Gershwin on the boys’ behalf, arguing that they should be let off with a warning since this is a first-time infraction for both of them. Gershwin’s thinking. It looks like he’s going to agree. It’s a bold move by the rookie. What do the officials say?

They go for it! Blattner pulls out ahead!

Meanwhile, it appears Mithuna Marasini is forgoing recess to help Miss Dunne with her kindergartners’ group reading hour. Marasini’s got her acoustic guitar. She’s singing Dr. Seuss’s “There’s a Wocket in My Pocket” to the tune of Joni Mitchell’s “Gallery” with the book’s pictures projected on the wall behind her. And Miss Dunne and the kids are clapping along! What a play by Marasini!

Hold on. The officials are conferring. It’ll be interesting to see what… Oh, that’s unfortunate. They’re saying Marasini left the campus’s middle school area without informing a trusted adult, which is an automatic disqualification. It’s a new rule this year, somewhat controversial, but they’ve made a point of enforcing it all season. And with all the talk about retirement, you have to wonder whether we just saw Marasini overachieve competitively for the last time.

We’re getting close to the final bell. Laurence Heepowitz has some catching up to do. His reputation as a sanctimonious dweeb is on the line.

What’s this? Heepowitz might have an ace in the hole. He’s responding to Mr. Brown’s question about the Irish Potato Famine by proposing his own plan for a penny drive to raise money for school lunches for the less fortunate. He’s showing the class the homemade, lunchbox-shaped penny receptacle he spent the last two weekends perfecting. Is that allowed? The officials are going to take another look at this. You see them huddling in the replay booth. Huge call coming up.

As you just heard our rules analyst say, what the officials are looking at here is intent. Was this a genuine attempt to address Mr. Brown’s Potato Famine question in an academically productive way, or just a desperate Hail Mary in these waning moments? Frankly, I can see this going either way.

It looks like we have a ruling. Officials say… it’s good! They say Heepowitz is a genuine dweeb! What a comeback to send Larry the Square to the semifinal!