All archived parody and satire articles from 2000-2008.
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2008
A Letter from Your Unborn Fetus by Paul Frank
An unborn child speaks out from inside the womb to let his father know it's OK to have an abortion, and how to convince the girlfriend to do it.
What the Devil is Everyone's Problem? by Alex Meyers
It's not easy having a son who's the anti-Christ, but how can you not love your son? Grow up people, he's a CHILD for God's sake!
Conflict Cubic Zirconium by Jeff Beck
For decades, Canadian cubic zirconium manufacturers have been using Canadian children for slave labor in CZ death labs. Help stop the atrocity.
Look at My Hawaiian Shirt! by Anthony Novak
It's so cheap, yet so unbelievably sweet! This is definitely gonna score me some hot ladies tonight. Nothing says laidback like the Hawaiian!
Read This or Stay Fat by Alex Meyers
Do you want to lose weight but are tired of dieting or trying? Then today is your lucky day! Weight Loss Mania can even help adults with fat kids!
Oh My God, They Signed Kenny! by Michael Traeger
Kenneth Gorelick, the man who once failed to make his high school jazz band, somehow duped Arista into marketing the dreaded Kenny G.
The Applebee's Menu Items are My Only Friends by Paul Frank
With entrees like those Honey BBQ Baby Backs and an endless supply of mouthwatering sides, there's no need for human relationships.
Remembering Joe's Bar and Grill by Caleb McEwen
In its 100 years as an icon of Americana, Joe's has hosted iguana fights, allied itself with Germany, sold opium instead of alcohol, and much more.
Global Warming Does Not Exist by Paul Frank
Global warming is the liberal's way of whining, “I'm too hot, but it's not my fault, it's society's fault.” And that's the inconvenient truth.
I Really Mucked Up that Hostage Crisis by Caleb McEwen
An open letter of apology from a regretful SWAT team member who put his fellow officers in danger. Just another reminder that alcohol kills.
2007
All Twelve Days of Christmas Explained by Jake Christie
Your true love sent you what? Ten lords a-leaping? You've got to be kidding. What's next, French hens and pipers piping?? …Seriously?
The Ass Strike by Johnny Groeling
Listen up, ass, you've had your way for way too long. From now on, you will no longer be wiped clean until these demands are met.
The Radical Evolution of the Clothespin by Rebecca Ugolini
An unbiased and scholarly account of the genesis of one of life's little essentials. If you like wearing wet clothes, DO NOT READ THIS.
Fake Answers to Fake Questions by Paul Frank
Get ready for the Q&A that's bound to revolutionize the imaginary advice column industry! Two perspectives, one person – it's schizotherapy!
Four Killer Dating Tips for Guys by Scott Goodyer
Can't get a date? Here are four guaranteed-to-work dating tips for all you nerds out there, including the 3 C's and confidence visualization!
That One Time You Killed a Clown by Paul Frank
Hey, remember that really crazy shit that went down in the back room of the carnival? Come on, I know you remember. You killed a fucking clown.
The Lost Diaries of Adam and Eve by Paul Frank
Finally, the Bible's most heated, inspirational passages are available, direct from Adam’s own cocaine’d gums and Eve’s herpes-ridden lips.
Pimp My America 2008 by J. Brown
We’re wasting money we don’t have, time we don’t have, and our kids are turning into homos. It's time to get real and put America on dubs.
Girls Get all the Rapes by Josh Baker
Can't a guy just get some forced lovin' or a membership in an illegal prostitution ring? It's time we addressed this sexism in sexploitation.
Original Sin: Blowjob in the Garden by Michelle Herron
It's midnight in the garden, and the only thing Adam thinks can come of this is good. He was right, but she'd like some warning next time.
The History of Beer Pong by Niles Hodgman
The game of Beer Pong dates back thousands of years ago, all the way to the Last Supper, when Jesus and his 12 disciples split up 12 cups.
Famous Writers Order a Muffin by Xavier Holland
Research into the secret lives of great writers uncovers a shared interest in delicious pastries. But a muffin isn't the same by any writer's name.
Create Your Own Yearbook Entry by Matt Hulten
Why don’t we sign each other’s yearbooks anymore after high school? Stress. Not to worry, now it's all multiple choice and fill-in-the-blank.
Love is a Battlefield by J.M. Lucci
The strategy is simple: conquer female territory. You may win some battles, but you haven't won the war until your troops are deposited.
Welcome to the Team!! by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe
As an employee at Wenton's Fluorescents, you're worth your weight in watts! That's a lot of positive energy we can't wait to harness!
Friday, As Decided By Your Organs by J.M. Lucci
Little did you know, every decision you make is hotly debated by almost every member of your corporate body. Penis, you're on speakerphone.
I Know You Read My MySpace Message by Matt Hulten
When you told me to “MySpace you” at the bar last night, I really thought we had something special. I would've put you in my Top 8, bitch…
Lost Episodes from Various Family Sitcoms by Jake Klocksien
Thanks to stringent network censorship, some of the best sitcom episodes never aired. This would be the hottest uncut DVD ever.
A Request to the Ladies by Josh Baker
As flattering as all your attention is, and as much as you'd love to go out on my limb for me, I need to branch out and you're stifling me, Sunshine.
Whatcha Looking At, Buddy? by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe
You think this is funny? How bout we fight outside and see who's face looks funny then? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you're not ugly already.
A Conversation with God by Josh Baker
Listen, I know it's been a while since we've had a serious talk, but my penis already feels like it's burning in Hell. Oh God, please help me!
Are You Ready for the Test? (Survey Results) by Jake Christie
Thorough preparation is often the key to success. Of course, one's definition of “preparation” is bound to influence actual outcomes.
The Art of Seduction by Joe Zimmerman
Matters of the heart may seem abstract, but with the right enthusiasm, you'll be meeting your GOALs (Girl Offering Anal Love) in no time.
I Saw You Eye Fucking Me by Josh Baker
It's not like you're wearing sunglasses you know. I can feel the heat from your eyes burning on me like a thousand suns. You want me so badly.
Global Warming: A Convenient Theory by James Whittet
What Al Gore failed to mention was all the benefits of rising temps. Naked women, penguin slaves? I'm warming up to the idea already.
A Winner's Guide to Casino-Riches by Stephen Maynard
Forget everything you know about gambling and put on your winner's hat. If you bet on red long enough, there's no way you'll end up in the black.
Why Single People Wear Ugly Jackets by Jonathan Marine
Ugly people's lives may look sad and depressing, but who are the ones having to dress, act, and live by other people's standards?
The Theory of the Unlandable Guy by Maddi Whitworth
There are a lot of hypotheses for the mystery of the failed hookup, but none with such extensive research in the field (of cannabis).
I'll Take Care of That Bully, Son by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe
Listen, son, I'll just call up Jimmy Prindley's house and have a little talk to make this all go away. Now close your ears, this is adult time.
2006
Google Ads: The Game! by Alex Willen
Google is taking all the leg-work out of getting to know somebody. I don't know about her man, Free iPod Shuffle girls aren't my type.
Traditional Christmas Wisdom by Jake Christie
The wise men might not have approved of a Red Ryder BB gun, but they certainly would have endorsed Jesus vs. Santa on pay-per-view.
Facebook 2007: A Letter from Zuckerberg by Chris Phelan
Hey, it's your Facebook buddy here. No, not Tom, fuck him. Just want you to know that I'm thinking up new ways for you to scare people.
Saddam & Martha: Penitentiary Pals by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe
The recently de-classified, scintillating correspondence between two desperate and impassioned prisoners! Yes, you can cook with Vaseline.
Platinum Pussy by Michelle Herron
Ladies, you've been pre-approved for everything you desire. Just learn to milk your man for every last drop that he's worth and it's truly priceless.
There's No Substituting Experience by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe
The Three P's of creative writing: Poetry, Pretention, and Please make it stop. Class, give up now and leave it to the prose.
Blowing Out Your Greek Stereotypes by Dan Opp
Forget what you may have heard… in the middle of the night while trying to sleep. Our fraternity is an up(keg)standing member of the community.
Choose Your Own Adventure: College by Matt Hulten
You find a bottle of Bacardi outside your dorm. Do you: Bring it inside and share the wealth? Or, guzzle it all down and meet your END?
Manhunt for the Unannoying Girl by Michael Curtiss
Finding the right girl is like going on safari for an easy-going lion. Either way you're kidding yourself about being able to grab some tail.
Blorthnar's Advice to Young Teen Lovers by Ben Hanson
Who the hell is Blorthnar? Only an Inta-galactic playa with worlds more experience than you. His STD's alone prove there’s life on other planets.
Order Your Robot Girlfriend Today! by Jake Christie
Human relationships getting stale? Save time, breath, and money by investing in the emotional and sexual stability of a lifelike robot model.
The Future of Equally Horny Women by Nick Gaudio
Historically, men have always been the hornier of the two sexes. But what would happen if women suddenly juiced up their hormones?
2005
Everybody Actually Has No Fun by Marty Archibald
All those times you thought you were having fun, you were lying to yourself. Because, as this theory proves, fun is impossible to have.
Intelligent Design Flaws EXPOSED! by Mark Jabo
Proponents of intelligent design argue against evolution in favor of a “superior being” theory. Too bad God agrees with Charles Darwin.
The Great Roommate Sex Escape by Jim Fox
When your roommate's doin' the nasty with some ugly, and you're sober enough to hear it, it's time to evacuate. Know your emergency exit route.
No Use Crying Over Spilled Ink by Shannon O'Connor
Regret-free tattoos take careful thought and planning. Consider a sexy location, obscure imagery, and perhaps a classic quote in Old English.
ATTN: Liberal Arts Students by Ky Jergensen
The Dean of Students would like you to know that you've wasted your time completing utterly useless majors. Sorry, and good luck in life.
I Don't Mean to Brag, But I'm Perfect by Nick Gaudio
It's not that you're cocky, it's just that if you have a big penis, everything seems to fall in place. From the classroom to between her legs.
My Blow-Up Doll Girlfriend by Daniel Goodman
Judy Zimmerman may fulfill every physical desire a man could want at any time, but when it comes to marriage talk, she's just full of hot air.
Survey: Am I Hot or Not? by Ryan Casey
So you're not quite sure how you stack up against regular ugly people? Then take to the streets and ask everyone from your ex to your priest.
Xtreme Stuntz Roundup by Alexander Meyers
ESPN's X Games doesn't have squat on these daring and dastardly challenges. Moto X? Try Vert-Moonlanding and Subhuman Fusion.
Hate Fucking for Life by Nathan DeGraaf
Easily one of the most intense uses of the F word, hate fucking is actually a delicate form of heated sex based on proper skill and timing.
Loving the Penis that Loves You Back by Josh Stern
The delicate art of seducing your most prized member begins by earning it's trust. That means always choosing appropriate times and holes.
The State of the Future Address by Nathan DeGraaf
The year 2005 isn't everything we had hoped for, but with a few tweaks (more steroid use and Iraq war coverage, etc.) it might be a little better.
The CLEM Revolution by Michael Sarko
Why try in vain to undermine campus administration and professors when you can successfully take on RA's, TA's and stereotypes?
Dear Liquor… by Marius Herbst
Alcohol: it's been by your side as long as you can remember. But now there are a few grievances it must accept to continue being consumed.
Why I Get Laid and You Don't by Nathan DeGraaf
Some guys have the magic touch, and others don't. Now indulge yourself in an expert's approach to killing the ladies.
2004
An Existential Crisis of Collegiate Proportions by Michael Sarko
The bland town of Columbus, Ohio may serve a higher purpose after all.
Gangsta Brawlin': The Ron Artest Interview by Mike Forest and Court Sullivan
Ron “Loose Cannon” Artest talks to PIC about his NBA fight with fans.
Safety is the New Recklessness by Dan Opp
Maximizing your fun-to-danger ratio requires a bit of careful planning. Just remember: there's always safety in numbers of the opposite sex.
What's Your Excuse? by Michael Sarko
When missing class becomes a problem, you're going to need some creative excuses. Try emailing these with a straight face.
Internships: The Corporate Travesty by Rick Lancer
It's hard to imagine companies funneling hard-earned revenues into temporary employees who build Styrofoam cup villages. But it happens.
The Way We Weigh America by Aaron Spetner
Whose to say fat people deserve so much scathing and embarrassing media attention? Actually, who said it's so bad, anyway?
Beer Goggles for Women by Mike Forest
Men have always thrown out all standards after enough drinks. Now women can feel the same uninhibited satisfaction with this new product!
Masturbation: The Touchy Subject by Nic P.
Plagued by guilt over your naughty habit?! Learn the no-fail rationalization for self-pleasure through the six-step acronym known as RADISH.
The Buck Stops Here! by Court Sullivan
A rally call to apathetic students at small, pointless schools everywhere: your Evil Administration is trying to turn your campus into a “non-campus campus”!
I Am So Sorry, Girl by Bill Nelson
A free form poetry apology to that “special” girl you barely knew, but had to break it off with. Parting is such sarcastic sorrow.
School Spirit: My Anti-Drug by Scott Goodyer
A fresh, investigative look at the importance of pursuing school spirit. And the inherent difficulties in achieving it.
2003
“Ticket-Fighter” Parking Hangtags by Court Sullivan
Make extra cash at college selling fake parking hangtags. Everyone loves the sketchy campus dealer!
2002
College Student Regrets Divulging Computer Password to New Girlfriend by Court Sullivan
Another Onion-esque news article. Remember kids: trusting others with your alpha-numerics means putting your online life in jeopardy.
Think You Know 7-Eleven? Think Again. by Court Sullivan
A career opportunity announcement from 7-Eleven. New combat training and intensive care units make 7-Eleven the perfect career move.
Investor Confidence Weakened by Atmospheric Pressure by Court Sullivan
A satirical news article about the new factors affecting Wall Street. This one has meteorologists everywhere stumped.
Parody Resume by Court Sullivan
What if you could tell the whole truth on your resume? It would probably look a lot like this one. Good luck getting hired!
2001
Cuban Missile Explodes: Kills All 72 Aboard by Court Sullivan
An Onion-esque news article. Trying to flee from Cuba to Florida is a no-brainer, but why didn't they wear their seatbelts?!
Do You Like to GET WASTED? by Court Sullivan
An actual flyer I distributed around Emory's campus! It's about time to bring college students together in the name of drinking.
I am the D.U.C. by Court Sullivan
A first-person narrative in which I become the mind of our school's cafeteria (aka “the D.U.C”).
2000
Stop Sneezing! by Court Sullivan
A satirical news/research article. You think cell phones are the cause of most traffic accidents? You must not know about the “quadruple-sneeze.”