1. While my fedora perfectly compliments my outfit, your dumb baby is throwing off your entire style. You could really do without it.
  2. This slick head-blanket only cost me $160, and I’ll be wearing it every day for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, your kid is much less affordable and will only hang around for a couple of decades.
  3. Perry the Platypus wore a fedora, but I don’t recall him ever wearing a baby.
  4. My fedora is almost always silent, but your kid starts screaming just because I flick him in both his eyes? Toughen up, Henry.
  5. Like your baby, my fedora is definitive proof that I have had sex. However, my fedora has an element of intrigue that your baby lacks.
  6. Your baby can’t even speak English yet, but my fedora whispers ancient secrets to me in Arabic.
  7. My fedora can perform all the basic functions of a baby (snuggling, taking pictures with, talking to friends about, etc), but if I throw your baby on a coat rack like I would a fedora, he can barely handle it.
  8. Your baby agrees with me. When given the choice between touching the fedora or expressing his intrinsic, personal value in a short paragraph, he chose the fedora almost every time.
  9. The fedora has been worn by genocidal dictators and serial killer dream demons, but your infant could actually end up being one of those things. Just something to think about.
  10. Simply put, your baby is just really ugly. He could use something to distract from that whole deal with his face. May I suggest a stylish piece of headwear?