- While my fedora perfectly compliments my outfit, your dumb baby is throwing off your entire style. You could really do without it.
- This slick head-blanket only cost me $160, and I’ll be wearing it every day for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, your kid is much less affordable and will only hang around for a couple of decades.
- Perry the Platypus wore a fedora, but I don’t recall him ever wearing a baby.
- My fedora is almost always silent, but your kid starts screaming just because I flick him in both his eyes? Toughen up, Henry.
- Like your baby, my fedora is definitive proof that I have had sex. However, my fedora has an element of intrigue that your baby lacks.
- Your baby can’t even speak English yet, but my fedora whispers ancient secrets to me in Arabic.
- My fedora can perform all the basic functions of a baby (snuggling, taking pictures with, talking to friends about, etc), but if I throw your baby on a coat rack like I would a fedora, he can barely handle it.
- Your baby agrees with me. When given the choice between touching the fedora or expressing his intrinsic, personal value in a short paragraph, he chose the fedora almost every time.
- The fedora has been worn by genocidal dictators and serial killer dream demons, but your infant could actually end up being one of those things. Just something to think about.
- Simply put, your baby is just really ugly. He could use something to distract from that whole deal with his face. May I suggest a stylish piece of headwear?
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