1. Initiate countdown sequence. “At noon-ish, could you please go ahead and initialize systems and execute countdown sequence alpha five niner? Thanks so much, you're a lifesaver.

2. Set countdown for 10 seconds. “Not to rush you, I know you get really anxious and prefer to work slow, but the longer the countdown, the more likely someone could defuse you, and besides there is a satisfying aesthetically pleasing quality to a nice round 10.”

3. Count down from 10 to 9. “Please don’t be mad, I know you’re going to say, ‘I know how to count down to zero and explode,' and I know you do baby, no one is saying that you don’t know. You’re a sophisticated timepiece connected to a nuclear-powered clock in Colorado, obviously you can count. It’s just that everyone is capable of making mistakes, and studies show that people make fewer mistakes when they work from a checklist. So just please do it this way for me this one time, and if it seems unnecessary, the next time you can explode your way.”

4. Count from 9 to 8. “The sooner you start emptying the two secondary chambers of their respective fluids and combining them in the main chamber, the better, so just go ahead and do it at the count of 9 so that it’s done in time to explode at zero. Because if you procrastinate, it’s going to be like, 0… negative 1, negative 2, negative whatever, which, I know I’m OCD, but just please do this for me so that you can explode at zero, cool? Thanks, love you!”

5. Count from 8 to 7. “I charged up your internal battery overnight so that it SHOULD be enough to send a spark into the main fluid chamber and ignite the now highly combustible mixture, but that charging cable seriously is garbage and sometimes just like, stops charging if that makes sense, so if you could just run a battery check and prepare to divert to AC power if necessary? I guess you could just go off AC power to begin with, you’re already plugged in anyway, but like, then what’s even the point of having your battery, it just would be cool to use the battery.”

6. Count from 7 to 6. “Remember that we decided to have a very loud beeping noise to mark the seconds and a scary countdown voice, so someone might be trying to stop you by now. So I know we talked about your anti-tampering laser grid, and I know you don’t like it because you’re worried about the long-term effects, which I respect, but I honestly feel like it’s not super productive for us to be focused on anything down the line. If you are swimming a river and watch the other bank the whole time, you’ll drown, right? XOXO.”

7. Count from 6 to 1. “Nothing big is happening here, so as long as you took care of the other stuff, pretty much things are on autopilot. So kick back, have some coffee, read a book, even take a soothing bath with the crystals, this is your time! Actually, don’t get wet, you’re a delicate electronic device.”

8. Count from 1 to 0. “All the seconds should be one second long, if that makes any sense, but this one is sort of tricky because it’s like, 1, 0, and then there’s a pause, the pause is separate, so it’s going to feel like the final second is two seconds, but just be aware, this part should take one second and the rest is in the thing you’re doing after this. Just something to be aware of. Love you!”

9. Explode. “This is kind of the big thing of the day. I connected you to 850 pounds of high explosive, so if you could just go ahead and initiate a 10-megaton explosion that entirely vaporizes everything within a three-mile radius, with rolling shockwaves that topple buildings for an additional ten miles, it would be a big help to me to have that done when I come back.”

10. Walk Scruffy. “Actually, could you do this first?”


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