Rice Krispies: A piano falls from a third-floor apartment building window as you pass on the sidewalk below: “SNAP.” It lands on top of your poor defenseless body and crushes you like an accordion: “CRACKLE.” Your head explodes: “POP.”
March 21, 2023
Fruity Pebbles: You read about orthopathy in Marilyn Diamond's classic Fit for Life and go on a fruit-only diet. Turns out you are violently allergic to bananas and die instantly upon attempting to erotically eat a banana for your boyfriend. He is so traumatized he can never love again, and forever avoids the fruit section in the grocery store in your honor.
April 10th, 2035
Shredded Wheat: During a tour of Colonial Williamsburg you accidentally trip on a pair of crochet needles that have fallen from your grandmother's purse. Upon falling you remember you left the stove on in your apartment which triggers a brain aneurysm that kills you before your boring, lifeless body hits the 300-year-old floors.
October 2, 2021
Cheerios: Heart disease.
January 23, 2054
Raisin Bran: After running through downtown San Francisco, a friend of yours asks to meet for lunch at a local sandwich shop. Since you're already wearing your workout clothing you decide to run the remaining .7 miles there. It is 98 degrees and you haven’t had any water all day. You run .5 miles and faint from heat exhaustion. The crows pick the meat from your shriveled up bones.
July 24, 2045
Cinnamon Toast Crunch: You get super high and eat a cinnamon-scented candle.
May 4th, 2024
Honey Bunches of Oats: A semi truck caring 50 million angry bees tips over while you drive behind it eating a banana and honey sandwich. You skillfully dodge the flipped truck and speed ahead. A single bee slips in through your open window. You calmly roll your passenger-side window down and the bee flies out of the car unharmed. You finish your sandwich and turn the radio on to NPR. You find out that Morning Edition‘s David Greene has left the station to pursue another exciting career. Depressed and uncertain who to trust, you drive your vehicle off a cliff. After landing safely in a meadow filled with wildflowers you roll out of your car disoriented. You hitchhike home and live out the rest of your days producing a podcast for NPR about honey bees. You die peacefully in your sleep after celebrating the birth of your fifth great grandson.
September 8, 2092
Trix: You, a 55-year-old with no children, are trampled to death during a trip to the ball pit by a group of angry second graders. One especially mean youngster keeps repeating “Ball pits are for kids!!” which is hurtful because you know you’re a kid at heart.
February 10th, 2040
Frosted Flakes: During a trip to the Swiss Alps you bump into Olympic downhill skier Bode Miller. He challenges you to a race through the snow-covered pines on the eastern slopes. You accept but must first use the restroom. While sitting on the toilet you accidentally spill Gatorade on your lap, which immediately freezes your legs to the toilet seat. You call for help but nobody answers. After days of being stuck to the seat you decide to cut off your legs using a dull pocket knife. You plunge your knife into your frozen leg and scream out in pain. A local pack of wolves hears your cries and comes running. You hear them circling the restroom—they are hungry! It is 2AM when the first wolf pokes his head into the bathroom. The wolves are huge. “They’re grrrrrrrreat!” you shiver. They gobble you up.
February 1, 2029
Life: You hit your mid-life crisis after being laid off from a company you worked for since you were in high school. You buy yourself a big red Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a cool leather jacket, and head West. You accidentally drive your Harley into oncoming traffic while attempting to eat a bowl of Neapolitan ice cream somewhere near Lincoln, Nebraska.
September 3, 2049