Your sequel has a heroine who has survived a bevy of childhood traumas and left her fiercely unconventional and darkly kooky and teetering on sociopathy. However, in your novel, this sociopathy manifests itself not as an eagerness for vengeance on men who wrong women, but as extreme sexual longing for Mitch McConnell. Indeed, the whole plot of this shitty sequel is the heroine trying to figure out how she can disguise herself as Elaine Chao for a day just so she can have one scorching roll in the hay with Mitch. In fact, the name of the book is “The Girl Who Wished She Was Elaine Chao.”

Instead of computer hacking, the heroine’s special skill is replicating the fruit bouquets from Edible Arrangement.

Rather than pursuing the suspected murderer on her motorcycle, the heroine chases the suspected murderer in her 2014 Toyota Camry. And she’s not pursuing a suspected murderer, she’s pursuing someone she suspects of stealing her Coldplay CDs out of her Camry. And the Camry has one of those air fresheners that attach to the air conditioning vents that are supposed to give the car that new car smell but which sort of just smells like general antiseptic.

The heroine is egomaniacal and sociopathic; however, this sociopathy does not manifest itself in uniquely gruesome ways to seek vengeance on men who abuse women. The heroine’s sociopathy is generally limited to when she’s working at Chipotle and rolls her eyes and reluctantly adds extra meat, extra guac and extra cheese to the customers who request it. Instead of tattooing things on her victims, she slides their burritos through errant glops of sour cream left on the burrito assembly board.

The main conflict of the story centers around a destination bachelorette party in Nashville. The bride, Audrey, told everyone that she was going to sing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at the karaoke bar on Saturday night. But lo and behold they all get to the karaoke bar and someone else is singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” so Audrey decides she’s going to sing Kacey Musgraves' “Space Cowboy” for her karaoke. But then Natalie, still carrying a little bit of resentment at not being asked to be a bridesmaid even though she roomed with Audrey for two years at Penn State and who feels like she’s been on the periphery of the whole bachelorette weekend, says, “Wait that’s my go-to karaoke song and you know it.” And then Hannah, Audrey’s pain in the ass maid of honor whose known her for like four months, is all, “Give it a rest Natalie, you can sing ‘Love Shack’ with me and Samantha.” But when the karaoke guy calls her up to do the karaoke Natalie sings “Fuck You” by Cee Lo Greene and makes Audrey cry.

Instead of breast augmentation, the heroine puts Red Lobster cheddar biscuits in her bra every morning.

Instead of piercings and tattoos, the heroine adorns her body with her boyfriend’s “UVA Lacrosse” sweatshirt.

The heroine is neither falsely accused of murder nor pursued by assassins. The heroine’s big challenge is understanding why the Instagram post of her new haircut with the caption “I did a thing” only got 44 likes. Also, the new haircut is not a severe androgynous cut dyed black, it’s a classic bob with breezy wind-swept bangs.

Instead of being declared insane and being sent to a psychiatric children’s hospital in the fourth largest city in Sweden, the heroine of your book declares she is going to Brigham Young University as an accounting major.

Instead of inheriting an abandoned factory, the heroine in the Stieg Larsson sequel you’re reading gets a gift card for the Yankee Candle Company.

Instead of falling in love with a disgraced journalist, the heroine in your story gets knocked up by Derek the fry cook at Applebee’s. When she goes to tell Derek that she’s keeping it, however, she sees Derek with his old girlfriend Danielle, the hostess at Applebee’s.

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