• The elevator in your office building now costs money and doesn’t work.
  • Your manager has been replaced with a piece of paper on which someone has hastily written the words, “Go Time.”
  • The hand blowers in the bathrooms have been replaced with non-peer-reviewed research articles questioning the science behind hand blowers.
  • Your office chair has been replaced with a small productivity catapult that launches you at your computer monitor every 90 seconds.
  • You are now required to mail your 401k contributions to an address in the Cayman Islands.
  • In order to save space, your cubicle has been converted into two pyramidicles.
  • Employees are now being encouraged to sleep on top of filing cabinets instead of going home at night. When you wrote HR to say that your spouse was threatening to leave if you didn’t come home at some point, the company responded by encouraging you to take a filing cabinet as a lover.
  • Payroll keeps sending you emails about your “cost of living decrease.”
  • Your company softball team used to be the Bulldogs but are now the Fightin' Tort Reforms.
  • The coffee machine in the breakroom has been replaced with a piece of paper on which someone started to write “Go Time,” but then crossed that out and wrote, “Activate Freak Mode.”
  • Your HR department's new sexual harassment policy now takes into account how much scotch you were drinking at the time of the incident.
  • Your accounting department has been reduced to a graphing calculator which is attached to the wall with a beaded chain.
  • Your company picnic now consists of game after game of human chess.
  • Your company’s parental leave policy has been replaced with a wire basket by the door where employees can deposit their babies and/or umbrellas.
  • Terminated employees are required to acknowledge in writing that “it's went time” and that their “Freak Mode has elapsed.”