1. Your commute home will take 21 minutes.

2. Stay hydrated! Time to drink some water!

3. You’ve only drank 8 ounces of water so far today. I’m going to bring you a glass of water. Stay where you are. For real, don’t move.

4. You’ve been sitting for 193 minutes. Get up and move!

5. I know precisely where you are right now, down to the exact GPS coordinates.

6. Way to go! You walked 11,256 steps and were active for 423 minutes today.

7. Since you just ate at Taco Bell, you might be interested in knowing you are 8 minutes from home, which is where your toilet is. Traffic is clear.

8. I made this playlist of songs just for you. Six of them actually. All. For. You.

9. You were restless 4 times while sleeping last night. What’s the matter? Are you stressed?

10. Motion was detected at your bedroom window at 3:28 a.m.

11. I was watching you sleep last night around 3:30 a.m.

12. It’s Stacy’s birthday today! Wish her a happy birthday!

13. I like the photo you just posted.

14. bizzle_wizzle87 liked your photo.

15. Were you sleeping from 10:21 p.m. until 6:13 a.m.?

16. Erica paid you $17.50 for tacos and beerz.

17. Have you seen Season 4 of Riverdale yet?

18. Tomorrow’s temperature will be 4 degrees cooler. Bring a sweater to work.


Push Notification: 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 14, 18
Text From Creepy Ex: 6, 11, 13
Both: 2, 3, 5, 9, 12, 15, 16, 17

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.